Archive | October, 2007

rewards!

31 Oct

 I slept some again last night!  Yay! I have now lost 20lbs from my highest weight.  I have decided if i lose 5 more i will get a red bracelet as a reward.  my bf says he will buy me one.  🙂  i went over on my intake a little today, but it is okay because i have been staying under.  at least i didnt binge out on candy, so i am proud about that.  my bf brought me home a lollypop and said it was a reward for losing so much and i should allow myself a treat.  he is so sweet.  i may eat it tonight… i dont know.  anyway, tomorrow is a new day.  :):)

i have decided that i am going to fast starting tomorrow.  i am going to try to only have water and green tea. if i absolutely have to maybe broth, milk, or juice.  but no solids.  i will do this fast thursday and friday, and if i can continue i will do it on saturday too.  so there it is, my goal set out in writing.  i cant go back on it now and if i mess up i will hate myself.  hopefully it will let me lose enough to get that bracelet!

Today’s Stats
CW = 150 
2 diet cokes 
3 glasses water
green beans = 35 calories  
pizza = 600 calories 
salad = 130 calories
burger = ?

TOTAL = @ 1200 calories today.  

i went way over my calories planned for today, but i have been staying under for weeks, and tomorrow is a fasting day so i think it should be fine.  i should work out tomorrow too.

songs

30 Oct

doing good so far today, i am down to 151 today!  not losing as fast as i wanted but still it is losing!  at this rate i will only lose 30lbs by christmas, and i want to lose 40.  adding more exercise and water should help i think.

i made some soup but only ate half of it because it started to make me feel sick. that makes me very happy! i slept some last night and some this morning too, so that is great! also, i am starting a playlist of good ana/mia such songs… if you have any that i should add let me know please.

Today’s Stats

CW=151lbs
1/2 bowl soup = 100 calories 
2 diet cokes
2 glasses water
1 glass green tea
1 bowl chickennoodle soup = 120 calories

TOTAL = 220 calories today

perfection

29 Oct

 so last night i had my bf take before pictures of me facing front, side, and back.  i hope that when i lose the weight and look at them there will be a drastic difference because i grossed myself out just seeing myself in panties and a bra.  i just have a feeling that no matter how skinny i get i will not ever be satisfied.  i look at pics of me when i was skinny and remember how i thought i was so fat then.  and even if i do get skinny enough i hate so many other things about my looks i will still be depressed.  ugh.  well i am going to try to fix them all, one thing at a time, i am going for perfection… 

i fucking hate it when people tell me i am strong and a beautiful person on the inside.  that is just like they are telling me i am ugly on the outside… dont they see that.  ugh.  i dont care if im beautiful on the inside, i freaking want to be stunningly beautiful on the outside… i mean i used to turn heads, i used to rule any room i walked in, all girls used to hate me no matter how nice i was, all guys wanted me, i could get anything i wanted… now it is like … i am so fat and gross nobody sees me, and if they do they look at me with disgust or pitty.  i just want to be like i used to be, i want to be confident and feel sexy.  

i could feel my neck tendons and all of that stuff when i was washing my face and neck tonight.  i was in shock and so happy because i havent felt through that neck fat in so long i forgot what it even felt like!
 

Today’s Stats
2 diet coke
1 glass water
pizza – 225 cal
chicken cooked in olive oil – 425 calories
pbj – 300 cal

total – 950 calories

blah

28 Oct

today was pretty uneventful.  i have a migraine.  we have  no food.  i am depressed.  i am fat and ugly.  the weight is not coming off fast enough.  must start working out next week, even if i dont feel like it. 
 

Today’s Stats
CW = 154
1 diet coke
1 fresca
half sandwich = 170 calories
slice bread = 60 calories
small apple = 80 calories
cup of tea
2 glasses water
spoon pb = 80 calories

ab lounger, thigh master, stretches, arm circles, leg lifts

TOTAL CALORIES = 390

progress at last!

27 Oct

so i havent seen a difference in my weight yet but have been feeling smaller… thought maybe it was my imagination.  anyway we had to go eat with the bfs parents today and his mother asked if i had lost weight, i was so happy!  my pants are much looser than they used to be in the waist and i have to keep pulling them up.  and my bf said he can tell a big difference in my face and my neck too, which is good. 

 i mean its not good that he noticed how fat i was before and so now he can see a difference.  it is not good that he agrees that he will be really happy when i lose the weight.  he is thebest boyfriend ever, but some things that guys say off hand and dont think really hurt sometimes… and how they like watch movies and stare at hot girls making you feel really like shit about yourself…  and hell if i am having sex with him after he has been looking at some other bitches… ugh.  

fucking men. 

anyway…

Today’s Stats
3 diet cokes
1 glass water
potatoes and chicken fried chicken
salad 

today was a good day

26 Oct

  Having my period, gross!  But, on the good side of it I am hoping I will lose weight now when it is done!  I just rested most of the day and then cleaned the house really good this evening because the devil is coming with my bfs dad tomorrow.  So, that was a good work out, because the house needed to be cleaned pretty badly since I have been sick all week.  

Today’s Stats
2 dr peppers = 280 calories
ramen = 380 calories
1 glass green tea
2 glasses water

TOTAL = 660 calories

i’m back!

25 Oct

 well, here i am, back again.  still not doing great but i am here at least.  we are so out of groceries and have nothing good for me to eat or drink (and it looks like we will be having this problem for another week until my paycheck clears and i find out if we have enough to buy anything after i pay bills) but i have not cheated on my calorie restriction the whole time i have been sick and doing bed rest so i am very proud of that.  

i still crave foods but am finding that if i give into the craving and eat, even on the days when i am allowed to it isnt as good and i feel really sick after eating.  this is a good thing, because i remember this feeling from back in the hardcore ana days and it is nice to have it coming back.  i feel dizzy alot of the time and my tummy rumbles and burns because i am hungry.  more good things! 

i still havent lost any more weight, but like i say, i think it is period time and after that hopefully i will see some weight loss.  even though it doesnt show i have lost, i feel like i am getting smaller.  hopefully i will start feeling better really soon and be able to start exercising hard like i was doing before and speed results even more.  

hope everyone else is doing okay!

Today’s Stats
2 dr peppers= 280 calories
2 glasses of water
soup = 120 calories
yogurt = 45 calories

TOTAL = 445 calories