ima crazy bitch

13 Oct
i think i am literally going crazy.  i think i might be about to have a breakdown or something.  i dont think i will ever lose weight.  i dont think i will ever sleep again.  i hate myself and i feel like my whole life might just be a dream.  days have all run together, months have run together, i cant remember things from a few minutes ago and it seems like everything that happens is not real, like i am floating around or something…  its so weird.  i dont know what is wrong with me… 

besides all of that it was a terrible day too.  had to go eat with the bf parents and his mom is satan.  she made fun of my hair today which i thought was pretty awesome.  then when we were through my bf made fun of it too totally killing my self esteem and pissing me off big time.  

then i found out that my sister is visiting my mom who lives out of town and when i did talk to my mom all she could say was like how great my sister is.  usually my mom calls me all the time and she didnt even call today but once, she was too busy with my sister.  and my dad is really sick and has to have an mri on monday and i am so scared something bad will happen to him.  i havent had much work lately so i have no money and i need to pay bills.  and my old best friend of over 13 years, well the friendship is over because she chose not to love me anymore and so i have nobody to talk to and i miss her so bad and it hurts that she just gave up and left me like she did.

i have this feeling like i just want to pack my bags and leave and never talk to anyone again.  like i wouldnt care if something happened to me.  i never want to eat again until i just starve to death.  fade away.  i hate myself and my life that much and i feel bad talking like this because i am usually the eternal optimist but not lately and at least i can say something here because nobody knows me.  im not usually like this.  im sorry.

like i dont know if i am going crazy or what.  could it be from going from overeating and binging to total big time calorie reduction and exercise in the last couple of weeks?  i dont know, usually i know all the answers and all of the medical reasons why for everything but i cant even think straight to self diagnose right now… any ideas?

Today’s Stats
salad = 200 calories
5 diet cokes
2 glasses of water
7 shrimp and 1/2 order potatoes = who the fuck knows how many calories
chips = 200 calories
yogurt = 45 calories

6 Responses to “ima crazy bitch”

  1. mkah7287 10/14/2007 at 2:42 am #

    well im no doctor either…believe me. but i do know when one crap thing happens it sets off a whole chain reaction, at least with me. its either nothing is wrong or everything is wrong, never in between. and i understand about the weight too, its like the one thing ur supposed to have control of and thats not even working. no matter how bad it seems tho…this too shall pass. when i get really depressed i just think about the times ive felt like that b4…and ive gotten out of it, itll b ok…no matter what, things will work out 🙂

  2. canadikin 10/14/2007 at 4:07 am #

    i see a therapist, i would suggest you go see one
    just to explain.. you just need guidance and direction and somebody else who KNOWS what you’re going through.
    i think i’m bi-polar and you sound like you go through the same things i do.. i AM NOT by ANY MEANS diagnosing you as bi-polar based on one post, but all i’m saying is you sound like you go up and down… and you’re confused… same as me. Don’t break down, talk to a professional. You might just be having some bad times… who knows!! And if you don’t have the money you can just go walk in and most places have programs and will see you.
    I’m getting diagnosed for the first time on the 30th… i’m actually pretty excited about it cause that means i get medication and i can act like a normal person
    No worries, you’re fine. Don’t fret and don’t take it as anything… it’s just brain chemistry. You’ll be fine. 🙂
    love you girl

    • mykindanormal 10/14/2007 at 4:10 am #

      thanks. i need to find someone who will see me free and get on some cheap meds i guess. i have just been crying all night and cant stop. thanks for taking the time to read and reply.

      • canadikin 10/14/2007 at 4:14 am #

        No problem. It’s going to be okay.
        I cried for hours last week and I lost my job over my mental issues cause they wouldn’t give me a leave… and I couldn’t handle it so I had to resign. I’m just starting to feel better now and it’s like a week later… and i’m still not “better”
        I know what ur going through, it’s okayyyy. Just remember that if you really have to eat at any point or eat more than you would, it happens and it’s okay.
        Yeah, see somebody for free, anybody just go do it and don’t even think about it. Just get it done and you will feel better to get it out. Even if it doesn’t fix anything at least it makes you feel better.

      • canadikin 10/14/2007 at 4:16 am #

        and by the way
        my days and months all flow together too… and i only realize that when it comes to an abrupt halt and i have a breakdown or something happens and i become depressed
        its also nice to know i’m not the only one… i know one person personally that it happens to too…

      • mykindanormal 10/14/2007 at 4:19 am #

        thanks, its good to know im not alone too. 🙂 thanks so much. i was feeling so hopeless, this really helps!

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