perfection

29 Oct

 so last night i had my bf take before pictures of me facing front, side, and back.  i hope that when i lose the weight and look at them there will be a drastic difference because i grossed myself out just seeing myself in panties and a bra.  i just have a feeling that no matter how skinny i get i will not ever be satisfied.  i look at pics of me when i was skinny and remember how i thought i was so fat then.  and even if i do get skinny enough i hate so many other things about my looks i will still be depressed.  ugh.  well i am going to try to fix them all, one thing at a time, i am going for perfection… 

i fucking hate it when people tell me i am strong and a beautiful person on the inside.  that is just like they are telling me i am ugly on the outside… dont they see that.  ugh.  i dont care if im beautiful on the inside, i freaking want to be stunningly beautiful on the outside… i mean i used to turn heads, i used to rule any room i walked in, all girls used to hate me no matter how nice i was, all guys wanted me, i could get anything i wanted… now it is like … i am so fat and gross nobody sees me, and if they do they look at me with disgust or pitty.  i just want to be like i used to be, i want to be confident and feel sexy.  

i could feel my neck tendons and all of that stuff when i was washing my face and neck tonight.  i was in shock and so happy because i havent felt through that neck fat in so long i forgot what it even felt like!
 

Today’s Stats
2 diet coke
1 glass water
pizza – 225 cal
chicken cooked in olive oil – 425 calories
pbj – 300 cal

total – 950 calories

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