Archive | November, 2007

ummm

30 Nov

lets see…

im still a fat ugly nasty gross thing

i have no job

im depressed

i hate my life

yeah, thats pretty much it, so no news here.

Advertisements

im bad news

29 Nov

 i found out the other day that my supposed bff is trying to hook up with my ex.  he imed me the other day and told me all about it.  i hate the bitch.  i really am so angry.  i lost my medical transcription job today.  it was not my fault.  i am going ot have to get a real job soon.  i am going to try to go back into real estate i guess.  in the meantime, it is christmas time and i am fat and lost my job.  i stayed in bed all day and only got up to run on the treadmill.  my boyfriend only seems to care about his new guitarhero game and i just want to die. 

my friends:

sports bra, home gym, music, red bracelets

my enemies:

food, fat, fake best friends 

realization:  you can run on the fucking treadmill as much as you can and still never get away from your problems…

finally home again!

27 Nov

so i got home from thanksgiving with the family, which was a nightmare.  well there were some good things but so many bad.  i will get to that later.  anyway, i get on the scale and i have gained 5lbs.  ugh.  i am so mad at myself.

fuckfuckfuck

20 Nov

 so, update.  we arent going until tomorrow.  so i get to go through all the preparation and house cleaning and everything again tomorrow.  fun times.  i am so fucking happy right now, if only you knew.  NOT.

so, that means that i have all night here alone, because my boyfriend is going to some thing, and i will be here all alone tonight and get to deal with this shit more, and all alone.  he fucking makes up a lame ass excuse why we cant go and then convienently he has this thing to go to tonight that he has been wanting to go to for like a week.  and i know he thinks he is just going to get me a bracelet that i want and everything will be ok.  it WONT be okay.  i dont like being lied to and tricked, and i am too smart, i know what the fuck he did.  he lied so he could go to this stupid ass dorkfest tonight.  it wont be ok if he comes home and i fucking killed myself will it?  oh i only wish.

so you know i dont know, i guess i still should stick with the have to wait until after thanksgiving thing but it is fucking hard and there is so much to deal with and i dont know what to do.  i am going to go run on the treadmill until i pass the fuck out i think.  i hope i do.

peace out

20 Nov

well, im out of here like this mornings breakfast. (a little mia humor there)

i decided i can not even think about killing myself until i get home from thanksgiving. i have to make it through that and then see how i feel. i lost another pound, big whoop. still not even close to enough. so far off of my target. man, i dread how seeing all these people at thanksgiving is going to feel… ok, enough of that.

time to hit the road and head to see the families for thanksgiving. i will be trying to check on here and on MSN as much as i can. if anyone needs anything just email me at my MSN address (which is on my profile) this week, okay.

i love you guys! ss, tt, and gl this week!

i hate being fat

19 Nov

i am feeling really depressed. 

i have to go home tomorrow and face everyone for thanksgiving and i have not lost all of the weight that i planned to lose by now.  i have lost 20 lbs but that is not good enough.  i should have lost at least 30 total by now.  i dont want to go home and be the fat one again.  i really hate it and hate myself! 

i cant stop crying and i dont know what to do.  i have to dress up for our family and my boyfriends family thanksgivings and i have nothing i can fit into.  also, we have no fucking money because i am so depressed i wont get out of the house and get a job.  i am supposed to be doing medical transcription at home but havent been getting enough work and cant even pay the bills this month.  i am going to have to borrow money from my parents or something.  

why cant i just get a job like a normal person.  i am scared to leave the house because everyone will see how fat i am.  i am scared to leave my boyfriend alone because he might cheat on me or look at porn or something because i am so gross and he should want better.  i am scared to leave the house and get a job because i will have to interact with people and they are all so mean.  i cant get a job because i have no energy and am too depressed to even clean the house most of the time.  i cant keep a job even if i had one because of all of this stuff i would just not come to work or miss work too much or something and get fired.  

its not that i am stupid either, i am very smart.  i am a licenced realtor, licenced cpht (pharmacy technician), certified medical transcriptionist, and have my bachelors degree in business with a minor in english.  but i can not do shit with all of that, because i can not leave the damn house!

i am just an endless spiral of failure.  i mean no wonder i am so depressed.  i have no idea what to do.  and now it is holiday time and i have to face my family with all of this on my back too and my boyfriends family who already hate me.  i cant buy presents for anyone for christmas.  i cant even buy groceries or pay our bills, i am going to have to have my boyfriend do all of that once again.  how long before he gets tired of all of this and leaves me… it is not fair for him.  he goes to school and pays all of our bills out of his pocket from his savings and money his parents give him.  i should at least be paying half and i dont.   i dont do shit.  

i dont know what to do and i just want to die.  i just want to sell everything i own and give all that money to my boyfriend and my family to repay all they have done for me and then be done with it.  all i am is a burden, a pain in the ass, a big fat and ugly eyesore for everyone.  my being alive does not help anyone and everyone would be better off if i werent.  i mean i know i wont ever kill myself but thats really how i feel.  i wish something would happen and i would get killed or something sometimes, because it would just be better for everyone.  

the only things i can do are write and take pictures.  and i suck at those things.  those things arent making me any money and never will.  nobody wants to read or look at my stuff, not even my boyfriend or my family will take the time.  that is how i know i really suck.  

when i get home from this thanksgiving holiday i am going to start going through everything i own and getting rid of stuff.  i am going to give everything extra and in storage to goodwill.  i am going to box up only the most special and meaningful things and go through the rest and get rid of everything i can that my boyfriend will not need.  that way there is less for my boyfriend or my family to sort through if anything does happen to me.  

if anyone read this i am sorry.  i am just really depressed.  i dont know what is wrong with me.  sorry to complain and whine so much!

Today’s Stats
CW:
wheat chips – 120 calories
popcorn – 70 calories
pringles – 120 calories
burger – a million calories
2 diet cokes
1 glass water

took all my vitamins and supplements, etc.

skinny bitch

18 Nov

so i read skinny bitch last night. absolutely fucking awesome. omg. my bf bought me more red bracelets, i took a picture…

in other news, we looked for houses all day today, found the perfect one. now if we just have the money for it! gonna hit up the bfs parents over the holiday for a loan.

birthday party for my friends 4 year old ruined my calories for yesterday. probably went over today too. need to freaking fast tomorrow. saw pictures of myself at that birthday party and though you can tell i have lost weight i still looked like a fucking cow. i am so embarassed to be seen in public. omg.