i hate being fat

19 Nov

i am feeling really depressed. 

i have to go home tomorrow and face everyone for thanksgiving and i have not lost all of the weight that i planned to lose by now.  i have lost 20 lbs but that is not good enough.  i should have lost at least 30 total by now.  i dont want to go home and be the fat one again.  i really hate it and hate myself! 

i cant stop crying and i dont know what to do.  i have to dress up for our family and my boyfriends family thanksgivings and i have nothing i can fit into.  also, we have no fucking money because i am so depressed i wont get out of the house and get a job.  i am supposed to be doing medical transcription at home but havent been getting enough work and cant even pay the bills this month.  i am going to have to borrow money from my parents or something.  

why cant i just get a job like a normal person.  i am scared to leave the house because everyone will see how fat i am.  i am scared to leave my boyfriend alone because he might cheat on me or look at porn or something because i am so gross and he should want better.  i am scared to leave the house and get a job because i will have to interact with people and they are all so mean.  i cant get a job because i have no energy and am too depressed to even clean the house most of the time.  i cant keep a job even if i had one because of all of this stuff i would just not come to work or miss work too much or something and get fired.  

its not that i am stupid either, i am very smart.  i am a licenced realtor, licenced cpht (pharmacy technician), certified medical transcriptionist, and have my bachelors degree in business with a minor in english.  but i can not do shit with all of that, because i can not leave the damn house!

i am just an endless spiral of failure.  i mean no wonder i am so depressed.  i have no idea what to do.  and now it is holiday time and i have to face my family with all of this on my back too and my boyfriends family who already hate me.  i cant buy presents for anyone for christmas.  i cant even buy groceries or pay our bills, i am going to have to have my boyfriend do all of that once again.  how long before he gets tired of all of this and leaves me… it is not fair for him.  he goes to school and pays all of our bills out of his pocket from his savings and money his parents give him.  i should at least be paying half and i dont.   i dont do shit.  

i dont know what to do and i just want to die.  i just want to sell everything i own and give all that money to my boyfriend and my family to repay all they have done for me and then be done with it.  all i am is a burden, a pain in the ass, a big fat and ugly eyesore for everyone.  my being alive does not help anyone and everyone would be better off if i werent.  i mean i know i wont ever kill myself but thats really how i feel.  i wish something would happen and i would get killed or something sometimes, because it would just be better for everyone.  

the only things i can do are write and take pictures.  and i suck at those things.  those things arent making me any money and never will.  nobody wants to read or look at my stuff, not even my boyfriend or my family will take the time.  that is how i know i really suck.  

when i get home from this thanksgiving holiday i am going to start going through everything i own and getting rid of stuff.  i am going to give everything extra and in storage to goodwill.  i am going to box up only the most special and meaningful things and go through the rest and get rid of everything i can that my boyfriend will not need.  that way there is less for my boyfriend or my family to sort through if anything does happen to me.  

if anyone read this i am sorry.  i am just really depressed.  i dont know what is wrong with me.  sorry to complain and whine so much!

Today’s Stats
CW:
wheat chips – 120 calories
popcorn – 70 calories
pringles – 120 calories
burger – a million calories
2 diet cokes
1 glass water

took all my vitamins and supplements, etc.

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13 Responses to “i hate being fat”

  1. evilgrins 11/19/2007 at 9:17 pm #

    distraction from depression: Clicky!
    I highly doubt you’re fat.

  2. evilgrins 12/01/2007 at 1:00 am #

    may do more on this later
    i am scared to leave my boyfriend alone because he might cheat on me or look at porn or something because i am so gross and he should want better
    it occurs to me if your boyfriend is already with you and knows how you look then he’s no likely to do this anymore than he was any other time. odds are he doesn’t think you’re ugly or disgusting otherwise he’d not’ve become your boyfriend to begin with.
    just my 2 ¢

    • mykindanormal 12/01/2007 at 4:32 am #

      Re: may do more on this later
      thanks for all your comments today. i have been so depressed lately, sorry to be so down. usually im not like that, at least not that bad. anyway, thanks alot!

      • evilgrins 12/02/2007 at 10:13 am #

        Re: may do more on this later
        by the by, with de body issues being brought up and all…what’s your icon from? I keep thinking that’s you.

      • mykindanormal 12/02/2007 at 7:20 pm #

        Re: may do more on this later
        what is your email addy? i will send you a link to my pictures there if you want… no that is not me, just a picture i found somewhere.

      • evilgrins 12/02/2007 at 7:36 pm #

        Re: may do more on this later
        RayClay@mad.scientist.com

      • mykindanormal 12/02/2007 at 8:16 pm #

        Re: may do more on this later
        i could do this pic myself, i have actually considered it, but the only difference would be i dont have my belly button pierced and my ribs dont stick out that much YET. once i get there 100% then i think i will make one of me. :/

      • evilgrins 12/02/2007 at 8:25 pm #

        Re: may do more on this later
        getting to a point where your ribs stick out is not a good idea.
        so you’re basically saying you are thin but you’re not as thin as you’d like.

      • mykindanormal 12/02/2007 at 8:28 pm #

        Re: may do more on this later
        i am thinner than i was. not as thin as i would like. basically i was saying i have the boobs to do the shot, but i dont think i am skinny enough. anyway, i emailed you a link to my website which has pictures, i dont know if it went through, but it says it went out.

      • evilgrins 12/02/2007 at 11:18 pm #

        Re: may do more on this later
        saw it, responded to it.
        Yum!

      • mykindanormal 12/02/2007 at 11:20 pm #

        Re: may do more on this later
        weird i didnt get anything, i will have to see whats up with that!

      • evilgrins 12/02/2007 at 11:25 pm #

        Re: may do more on this later
        basically said you’re thin and not ugly, kinda hot really, and I forbade you from claiming either again.

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