Archive | January, 2008

the root of it all

31 Jan

 Possibly starting my period, maybe that has been the cause of the weight gain… Feeling a bit better today.  Have laughed and played and spent the day with my boyfriend.  It was a pretty good day.  I have to call a lady back tomorrow about a transcription job, which if I could get that it would be great and fix so many of the problems I have… which are not that many really… just money problems and being fat and bipolar mostly.  

I have been thinking alot about alot of things lately… alot of things from my past.  I have come to the conclusion that I wouldnt be so messed up if I hadnt had to deal with daily sexual abuse my whole life and nobody believing me or helping me.  This seems pretty obvious now, but I never really thought about it or put it together.  Now that I have, it just makes me more mad about the whole thing.  

I dont want to be bipolar.  I dont want to go through all I go through on a daily basis and I dont want to make my boyfriend deal with all he has to deal with from me being bipolar.  I dont want any of it and I dont know how to fix it.  It really pisses me off.  But, I dont know what to do to fix it… 

Today’s Stats
CW: 140lbs
2 bean & cheese burritos
1 diet coke
1 fresca
6 cups water

lies all lies

30 Jan

 sometimes i put on a thong to make myself feel pretty.  then i just end up feeling like a fat girl in a thong.  

i am thinking of filing for disability.  i have not been able to work at a real job for over a year.  i am diagnosed with crohns, ocd, bipolar, anxiety disorder, among other things… but all of these things could get me on disability i think.  

i dont know what to do.  i cant  get a job because i cant leave the damn house because i am too fat and ugly, and also because i dont trust my boyfriend alone after the issues we have had in the past.  it has been over a year now since i last found him doing bad things behind my back, but i still have issues trusting him and i dont know if i ever will be able to completely trust him.  i cant trust anyone, not even my family. 

nobody knows or understands … and i hate that it is a secret from everyone.  i havent seen my dr in over a year now because i dont have a job and cant afford it, and whenever i do see him i dont know how i am going to tell him how bad i have gotten, i will be so embarassed, but i cant lie to him like i do to everyone else.  i wish i had the money to see him, gawd i wish i did.  

my bipolar episodes of ups and downs are so terrible.  one day i think i am going to start a job and get my sht together and then the next day i cant get out of bed.  last night i was terrible, then my bf came home and we laid in bed laughing and talking for hours and i was great, i was estatic.  today, i stayed in bed nearly all day. the wellbutrin doesnt really seem to help.  

i gained weight.  i dont know how because i havent been eating shit.  it better be my period or i am seriously just going to start starving myself completely and cutting the freaking fat off my body.  and why do i want to lose weight anyway?  then i will just be a skinny ugly girl.  i know i am ugly because whenever i talk about wanting to be pretty people say, you are beautiful inside… that means i am hidious outside.

Today’s Stats
CW: 145 again? wtf
1 cup oj, metamucil, vitamins, cleanse

broken

29 Jan

i dont have any friends.  

i dont have anyone to talk to about this stuff.

i put on a fake show to everyone.  my family all thinks i am fine and even my boyfriend who i live with doesnt know the extent of my issues.  

i dont know what to do.  i need a friend.  i need someone to talk to.  i need someone to help me figure out what to do with my life and how to get it together.

i am running a fever and have been sick for nearly 2 weeks now.  i am now to the point that i am not getting out of bed.  i am constantly fighting thoughts of suicide.  i feel like every minute of the day i am on the verge of a huge breakdown, total screaming crying insane nonstop take me to the nuthouse sedate me to make it stop break down.  

im not losing weight.  i have no job and cant pay the bills.  my boyfriend is paying the bills but i dont know how long he is going to keep on paying everything when i wont even get out of bed and am probably depressing him and making his life miserable too.  i hate myself and my life.  

i am totally broken and i dont know how to fix myself.

**i dont know how to talk to people about my problems in real life and really not online either.  all i know how to do is write it on here.  otherwise i just revert over into this fake everything is okay and i am so perky and sweet personality and i cant help it.**

still sick

24 Jan

 still sick.  down to 140lbs today.  maybe i should get sick more often.  haha!  will be back soon, just trying to get well.

sicko

22 Jan

 im sick.  not much to post.  down to 142lbs today.  yay.  going to go back to bed now.

finally friday

18 Jan

suddenly this afternoon i got so tired and crashed hard for like a couple of hours… i laid on my back wth my knees up to watch tv and i fell asleep and didnt even know it.  i didnt even move for those couple of hours. wow, i love when i sleep that hard. i dreamed that i got a new camera, a great awesome one… i hope i do.  i also dreamed i was on a bridge way up high and it started to bend at the sides like taffy and i was trying to hold on but about to fall… so i hope that one doesnt happen.i have a massive headache and a cough.  i guess im getting sick.  

i have been taking the anti-depressants for like a week now and can start to tell a difference.  i get up in the mornings when my bf does now and have been staying up and doing productive things during the day, and playing on buzznet…  i havent been thinking of ways to kill myself or planning it, i have actually been brushing my teeth and fixing my hair, and i have come up with the business plan and am putting it into motion, so these are all good things.  i think it is because the medicine is helping me a little.  

business plans are coming along nicely and i have been working on a website for it and a logo.  i havent lost any weight this week and it is discouraging.  i have to start working out again but just havent had the drive to do it for a while now. 

Today’s Stats
CW=145 
metamucil, cleanse, vitamins
spoon pb=50cals
cup soup=240cals
2 diet cokes
2 starburst candies
6 cups water

my slideshow

17 Jan

ive been really down this week, so i made this to cheer myself up. its funny, and also made me like hey, im not THAT bad… MY SLIDESHOW (NSFW)   but its all lies, because i really am too fat. i need more control. i have been below 700cals every day and its just not enough. *screams* i should have run on the treadmill but i didnt.  

one good thing, yeah i know you are like what??? she is gonna say something good, but its true i have a good thing to say.  (and im once again sorry for being such a whiner on here, its just i pretend to be someone else, someone happy, someone together all of the time and this is my journal to let the stuff i have shoved to the back out for a bit) okay, so one good thing, i decided to start a business.  i have the plan for it, i made up a name, i got a website, my bf got me frontpage and i am now designing a website for it, and though its not much, it gives me hope.  this could work out… this could be the way i can make it big… i can do this!  i have to do this!  i have freaking bills and shit to pay…

Today’s Stats
CW:145
oj, metamucil, cleanse, vitamins = 80 cals
1/4 banana = 20 cals
1/2 apple = 30 cals
ramen = 380 cals
1 spoon peanut butter = 50 cals
16 cups water
1 diet coke
1 m&m – i couldn’t help myself!

TOTAL = 560 cals

 
yeah, ps and all that, i just did this online calculation thing and it says i should be drinking AT LEAST 18 cups of water a day.  gonna try to do it… whew… its gonna be hard!