lies all lies

30 Jan

 sometimes i put on a thong to make myself feel pretty.  then i just end up feeling like a fat girl in a thong.  

i am thinking of filing for disability.  i have not been able to work at a real job for over a year.  i am diagnosed with crohns, ocd, bipolar, anxiety disorder, among other things… but all of these things could get me on disability i think.  

i dont know what to do.  i cant  get a job because i cant leave the damn house because i am too fat and ugly, and also because i dont trust my boyfriend alone after the issues we have had in the past.  it has been over a year now since i last found him doing bad things behind my back, but i still have issues trusting him and i dont know if i ever will be able to completely trust him.  i cant trust anyone, not even my family. 

nobody knows or understands … and i hate that it is a secret from everyone.  i havent seen my dr in over a year now because i dont have a job and cant afford it, and whenever i do see him i dont know how i am going to tell him how bad i have gotten, i will be so embarassed, but i cant lie to him like i do to everyone else.  i wish i had the money to see him, gawd i wish i did.  

my bipolar episodes of ups and downs are so terrible.  one day i think i am going to start a job and get my sht together and then the next day i cant get out of bed.  last night i was terrible, then my bf came home and we laid in bed laughing and talking for hours and i was great, i was estatic.  today, i stayed in bed nearly all day. the wellbutrin doesnt really seem to help.  

i gained weight.  i dont know how because i havent been eating shit.  it better be my period or i am seriously just going to start starving myself completely and cutting the freaking fat off my body.  and why do i want to lose weight anyway?  then i will just be a skinny ugly girl.  i know i am ugly because whenever i talk about wanting to be pretty people say, you are beautiful inside… that means i am hidious outside.

Today’s Stats
CW: 145 again? wtf
1 cup oj, metamucil, vitamins, cleanse

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