Archive | February, 2008

oea

18 Feb

i need to join over eaters anonymous  or something after the last few days.  i dont know what has been wrong with me, but i have just been eating way too much.  i mean sure, it is more like eating normal, but for me it is over eating big time.  every time after i eat now i feel so sick, i just want to throw up or never eat again.  so, this is one good thing because when i was big time ana eating did that to me so hopefully i am getting back to where i need to be.  

the weekend was alright.  i am just trying to get things in order so that i can start my new job on wednesday hopefully!  i called my old best friend at 12am this morning because it is her birthday today and i always call her at 12am to wish her happy birthday.  even though she has shit on me the last few years i will not stop calling on her birthday, and i will not ever stop loving her.  she was happy i called and cried.  i wish we were still close like we used to be.  it makes me really sad and i am pretty down now.  i miss her.  every day i miss her. 

happy birthday friend!  i love you!

happy valentine’s day

14 Feb

 happy valentine’s day to anyone who takes the time to read this… so, yeah, happy valentines day miss q~

so, guess what i got for valentine’s day…  

a job!  

can you fucking believe that?  it is not the highest paying job to start out, but the benefits make up for that and there is a guaranteed raise in july and alot of opportunity for advancement!  i am actually happy with this job offer and think it is going to turn into something great.  in the meantime i will be making some money!  yay!  enough to pay the bills, have some spending money, and still save money… so this is good!  

this is proof… we can do whatever we set our minds to!  and i did it, i got a job… so i know i can lose the weight!  i was going to fast today, but it is valentine’s and so i ate a little bit… oh well… and on the scales this morning i was down a few lbs!  yay!

Stats For Today

interview 1

13 Feb

well, i went to the first interview and i think i did really well.  my hair and makeup were good, my shoes were HOT and i looked well put together inspite of being a fat ugly pig.  i felt pretty good about myself, i tried to smile alot, make eye contact, and be friendly and energetic and act interested.  i made practice questions and went over my answers before the interview and i think that helped.  i would have liked to have done better but i really think i may have gotten the job.  

the only problem is i thought the job was going to be great paying with benefits and stuff and it does have the benefits but the pay is the suck.  this was really disappointing as i want a job that will pay at the very least $25,000 a year and was hoping for something at about $35,000 a year range.  so if i get the offer i will try to talk them up just a little (though it will still be way less than i really want to be making) and if i choose to take it the it will be mostly because i will like the job itself and can be hoping that once i get in the door there might be better opportunities that come up within the company…

i still have an interview tomorrow for a job that will pay a little better, and then i also have an interview on friday but i dont know the pay of that job yet.  i guess i will just wait and see what happens and if any of them offer me anything…  i just dont know if i should settle and take a job that pays less than what i want or hold out for something more.  it will be hard to look for a job if i have a job… but i need money in a bad way… i am confused.

Today’s Stats
cup noodles – 250 calories 
diet coke
fresca
vitamins, fiber, cleanse, water

treadmill and ablounger

help?!?!?

12 Feb

 so i sent out like 12 resumes yesterday, some by email, others by fax, and a few by mail.  i have gotten call backs on three of them already.  i interview tomorrow for one job that sounds really good to me and i am really hoping will pay well and have great benefits and of course that i will get it.  i set up another interview but am thinking of cancelling that one because the pay is not good, there is no insurance, and i would have to work odd hours and on saturdays.  and since that doesnt sound good to me i think i should just cancel and not waste either of our time.  

so, i cancelled that interview and i got another one.  now i am interviewing every day for the rest of the week, which is good.  hopefully at least one of the interviews will result in a job offer.  hopefully it will be the one i want the most and it will pay well!  i started going through my closet and trying on all of the ‘work clothes’ i have and nothing fits.  it is so discouraging that i have lost 30 lbs and still i can not fit in to my old clothes.  they are all size 6 and i remember when i wore them last they hung on me and were too big, but now i cant even zip them up.  i have only one outfit that i can wear and it is not my favorite by far, but i have to wear it because i have nothing else.  i hope that doesnt make my self confidence even lower and ruin things for me.  grrr!!!  i just want to cry!

now i am going to go run on the treadmill and hope to lose some more.  i am determined to get another 10lbs off before i start a job so that hopefully i will be able to fit into my work clothes.  that means i am going to have to pretty much starve myself and work my ass off every day.  i have to do it though.  and i dont have much time to do it in!  according to the goal calculators that are online i can lose 4 pounds a week if i work out fairly hard every day and eat under 500 calories.  i can lose 5 lbs a week if i keep it at 300 or less calories and work out extremely hard daily.  i think the more realistic goal is going to be 4lbs a week.  If i could keep that up i would be at my goal weight by April…  that is if my metabolism didnt completely shut down… maybe the exercising would keep it going???  

does anyone know what i should do to lose at least 10lbs in the next week?  what should i do to get to my goal weight as soon as possible?  i am desperate!!!!  help?!?!?

Today’s Stats
CW:142lbs
1 spoon peanut butter – 60 cals
1 cup slimfast – 200 cals
green beans – 40cals
cleanse, fiber, vitamins, water
2 diet cokes

treadmill, ab lounger, totaling 1 hr.
total cals- 300cals

PLAN
S-0 -walk & abs
M-400 -run & abs
T-0-200 (liquids only) -walk & abs
W-500 – run & abs
T-0-200 (liquids only) -walk & abs
F-500 -run & abs
S-800 -walk & abs

vitamins, fiber, cleanse, green tea, & alot of water daily

last weekend

11 Feb

it was a pretty good weekend.  it would have been excellent, because i love it when my parents come to visit but the thing is they brought my brother.  i love my parents, but they never will take my side and stand up for me when it comes to issues with my brother.  i dont know if they feel sorry for him or what it is, but it is beyond ridiculous the stuff they let him get away with and always have.  and it breaks my heart that nobody ever stood up for me, believed me, rescued me from all that happened…  anyway…

how can i begin to explain my brother…  i think he is maybe sort of learning disabled, he acts like a child in an adults body, he still lives at home with my parents and has never wanted to move out, he is 25 or 26 now, i used to catch him molesting our animals when he was little, now at times i catch him being mean to the animals, he finally has a girlfriend (his first) who he is being controling to and that whole relationship is weird, even though he has a girlfriend now he continues to sexually harass me whenever he sees me, he has sexually abused me from the time he was about 5 years old I guess… as long as I can remember…

after this weekend when they left i gave my house a thorough cleaning to rid it of any traces of him.  i am very upset.  i overate big time because i have no other way of dealing with my feelings when he is around.  i have to act nice to him and put up with his inappropriate touching of me and god… it makes me sick.  it is not fair.  there is nothing i can do, nothing my boyfriend can do, if we say anything or do anything then my parents will get mad and take my brothers side just like they always have and stop talking to me and everything will blow up and i dont want that again… if i say something to my brother about he better stop it then i get in trouble for being a bitch. 

when i told on him when i was little they said i was a liar, when child protective services tried to take me away because i told the councilor at school my parents said i better say i was lying or i will get put in a foster home… so there has never been any way for me to stop it…

my life would have been so different if it werent for him.  i would have stayed at home and my parents would have paid for my college but instead i moved out before i even graduated high school and worked a thousand different jobs and put myself through college as good as i could because i could not stand to live there and be abused any longer.  i would not have eating disorders, i think would not be bipolar, would not have trust issues, issues with men and sex, i would not have stayed in abusive relationships for all of those years, i would have some self confidence, i think i would be set in my career and rich by now… but NO… i am struggling with everything, struggling every day and it all comes down to the thing that started it, the thing that threw my life off course, the abuse that i endured for as long as i can remember… my fucking brother.  

now that is off my chest i am going to go think a bit, try to relax, figure out what to do now.  i think i need counciling.  but of course i cant pay for shit, because i dont have a job.  sometimes i just wish i were dead.  there is no escape from my brother and as long as he is alive i will suffer from being sexually abused every time i see him, every holiday, every time i want to see my family… it will never end.  

why didnt anyone love ME enough to put a stop to that when i was little and told?  why doesnt anyone love me enough to put a stop to it now???

Today’s Stats
CW: 145 (yes, i am up after this weekend)
slimfast – 200 cals
2 bean and cheese burritos – 600 calories
water
1 diet coke
cleanse, fiber w water, vitamins,meds

treadmill, ab lounger.

total : 800 calories (100 over goal calories)

okiedokie

7 Feb

so, its been alright this week.  the last few days have been good.  i went to fill out an application at that place and dont know how well i did on it.  my hopes fell alot because there were so many people there filling out applications.  but, i must press on.  i must find another job.  hopefully i will see something good in the sunday paper, if not then i will possibly consider trying to do real estate, or be someones licensed assistant in real estate.  something has to happen and soon, because i have alot of bills to pay and no money to pay them.

i havent lost any more weight.  i havent been eating too much, probably no more than 700 calories a day at MOST and more likely around 500 calories a day on average.  i have started trying to walk on the treadmill some, just to get back into it slowly, and will start running again soon.  i have been doing the ab lounger every day.  hopefully this kicks my metabolism back in and i will start losing weight again.  i am not sure what to do to lose at this point, it seems like i have not lost anything in forever. 

parents coming in town for the weekend.  hopefully they buy us some food and we all have a good time.  

Today’s Stats
CW: 140lbs
salad with itallian dressing
chips with ranch dip
water
diet coke
cleanse, fiber, vitamins

things are going good…

5 Feb

well i did what i said i was going to do and i got up this morning and started sending out resumes.  this afternoon i got a call from the place that i really wanted to hear from most and i go in tomorrow to fill out some papers.  i think this basically means they want to see what i look like now because they liked my resume.  so this is good news.

the bad thing is, i started trying on my ‘work wardrobe’ and most of the things are way too tight!  I have one thing that I can wear for the interview thing tomorrow and i hope that it looks okay, but it is not one of my outfits that i am most confident in.  it is depressing to have lost so much weight and then try on my old work clothes and they still dont fit,  but a wake up call that i needed as well.  i have to get off my ass and really loose weight because if i get a job i have to be able to fit into my clothes so that i can go to it!  

i have to get my car washed.  i cant go for an interview and my car is covered with months worth of dust and bird poop because i never drive it!  so i went and did that, and it looks much better.  i also walked on the treadmill and did the ab lounger for a total of about 45 minutes.  now i am still feeling up for something else, so i am going to clean out my closet and get rid of all the clothes that are terrible looking and i know i should not ever wear, even after i lose weight.  so hooray for me.  

Today’s Stats
CW: 140lbs
1 pop tart
1 diet coke
6 cups water
chips

exercised on treadmill (walked for 25 minutes) and ab lounger (for about 20 minutes)