last weekend

11 Feb

it was a pretty good weekend.  it would have been excellent, because i love it when my parents come to visit but the thing is they brought my brother.  i love my parents, but they never will take my side and stand up for me when it comes to issues with my brother.  i dont know if they feel sorry for him or what it is, but it is beyond ridiculous the stuff they let him get away with and always have.  and it breaks my heart that nobody ever stood up for me, believed me, rescued me from all that happened…  anyway…

how can i begin to explain my brother…  i think he is maybe sort of learning disabled, he acts like a child in an adults body, he still lives at home with my parents and has never wanted to move out, he is 25 or 26 now, i used to catch him molesting our animals when he was little, now at times i catch him being mean to the animals, he finally has a girlfriend (his first) who he is being controling to and that whole relationship is weird, even though he has a girlfriend now he continues to sexually harass me whenever he sees me, he has sexually abused me from the time he was about 5 years old I guess… as long as I can remember…

after this weekend when they left i gave my house a thorough cleaning to rid it of any traces of him.  i am very upset.  i overate big time because i have no other way of dealing with my feelings when he is around.  i have to act nice to him and put up with his inappropriate touching of me and god… it makes me sick.  it is not fair.  there is nothing i can do, nothing my boyfriend can do, if we say anything or do anything then my parents will get mad and take my brothers side just like they always have and stop talking to me and everything will blow up and i dont want that again… if i say something to my brother about he better stop it then i get in trouble for being a bitch. 

when i told on him when i was little they said i was a liar, when child protective services tried to take me away because i told the councilor at school my parents said i better say i was lying or i will get put in a foster home… so there has never been any way for me to stop it…

my life would have been so different if it werent for him.  i would have stayed at home and my parents would have paid for my college but instead i moved out before i even graduated high school and worked a thousand different jobs and put myself through college as good as i could because i could not stand to live there and be abused any longer.  i would not have eating disorders, i think would not be bipolar, would not have trust issues, issues with men and sex, i would not have stayed in abusive relationships for all of those years, i would have some self confidence, i think i would be set in my career and rich by now… but NO… i am struggling with everything, struggling every day and it all comes down to the thing that started it, the thing that threw my life off course, the abuse that i endured for as long as i can remember… my fucking brother.  

now that is off my chest i am going to go think a bit, try to relax, figure out what to do now.  i think i need counciling.  but of course i cant pay for shit, because i dont have a job.  sometimes i just wish i were dead.  there is no escape from my brother and as long as he is alive i will suffer from being sexually abused every time i see him, every holiday, every time i want to see my family… it will never end.  

why didnt anyone love ME enough to put a stop to that when i was little and told?  why doesnt anyone love me enough to put a stop to it now???

Today’s Stats
CW: 145 (yes, i am up after this weekend)
slimfast – 200 cals
2 bean and cheese burritos – 600 calories
1 diet coke
cleanse, fiber w water, vitamins,meds

treadmill, ab lounger.

total : 800 calories (100 over goal calories)


One Response to “last weekend”

  1. evilgrins 02/11/2008 at 7:18 pm #

    y’know, while he was still small you probably could’ve mailed him to another country. just fold him a bunch of times and cram him into an envelope 🙂
    sorry to hear, that really sucks

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