Archive | May, 2008

excerpt from letter to friend…

18 May

 i have actually been making plans and going through stuff, getting rid of things, all things to make things easier on my boyfriend and my family if i killed myself.  i think about it too much.  i too think why doesn’t and why hasn’t anyone ever loved me.  from my parents when i was little not protecting me to every boyfriend i have ever had cheating on me, to my boyfriend being totally selfish, lying all the time, and alcoholic.  i seem to always be waiting for the day when he realizes he is too good for me, meets some young college girl at his school who is skinny and fun and not boring and depressed, fat and ugly.  i am constantly on edge wondering when i am going to catch him in the lie that gets him caught with it.  but i really don’t think he would do it, but my mind makes me believe the craziest things.

 
it seems pointless going to work and coming home and going to work and coming home.  i don’t have any real friends and cant make any or keep any, i cant get close to anyone because they will either think i am crazy, not like me, use me, or hurt me somehow… that is what always happens.  at work i am so paranoid, i always think everyone is talking bad about me, constantly to the point that i cant even concentrate.  anytime anyone laughs i think it is about me.  i am just a total mess.  and i remember when i used to be ‘popular’ and the life of the party and i thought i had so many friends, but really none of them were my friends at all.  i am tired of being bipolar and it is so hard to hide it at work.  some of the girls at my work want to be friends with me, or maybe i want to be friends with them too really, but i am so scared they will find out that i am bipolar and a nut case.  i don’t know i am rambling. 

so, yeah, havent done my plan.  found out from the dr’s scale my scale was 10 lbs off, but have now lost another 10lbs so am right back to where i thought i was originally.  life is pretty sucky.  started thyroid pills and pills for depression/bipolar and hope they work.  i have been really sick twice, once with food poisoning and the last time with a uti that went into a terribly bad kidney infection (so bad i was scared my kidneys were shutting down because i was peeing dark brown) but am getting better now, just worn out.  work is going okay, i have missed alot but havent gotten fired.  cant miss anymore or i know even though i am one of the best they will have to fire me.  we got a new puppy, she is great and i love her.  i want to lose 10 more lbs this month.  that will be 20 lbs in 5 weeks.   surely i can do that.  usually i drink a shake for breakfast now, eat a granola bar or handfull of cherios for lunch and have a normal dinner.  it has been working.  me being really sick and really depressed because of my boyfriend being alcoholic and all probably has helped me lose weight too.  it has been really bad with him lately, but we had a talk and i hope that he is going to stop it.  anyway, just a quick update.  i am still alive.