fatty fatty me

18 Sep

Well, after my surgeries I have not been able to do anything but be on ‘bedrest’ and I have gained weight big time.  I was instructed that I have to eat a little bit of meat and be sure to eat enough to help me heal properly after my surgery for the cancer.  Now all I do is lay around all day and do my stupid comfort eating.  But I am formulating a plan of action and I will start on it Sunday.  I will start doing exercise tapes every day at home and cut my calories again to start with.  I am also thinking of doing an apple fast because my neighbor just brought me a huge bowl full of organic apples.

In two weeks I should be released to do activity again and then we will start walking the dogs too which will help and also let me get out of the house. (hopefully i can make myself, just going to get the mail is hard for me and its right out the front door)  I think I weigh about 150 now and I am grossed out to think about it.  I cant look in the mirror or look at myself.  I dont even want to get dressed or fix my hair and most days I dont.  i never do my make up anymore and i am just so gross!

My bf has started school again and I hate that all day long he is seeing sexy skinny little skanks and then he comes home to me and I am sure he is disgusted too.  He tried to compliment me the other day and told me dont worry about the girls at school because “you are pretty in your own way” – oh, let me tell you, it did not go over well.  I cant stop thinking about it and hating myself.  He hasnt drank in a few days and is working on that, thank goodness, but I just hope he can stop.  Living with an alcoholic sucks and makes life tougher than I make it on myself already. 

I dont have any friends and feel lonely and am going crazy stuck in the house all day every single long day.  I take xanax and sleep alot and I really shouldnt because it just makes me more depressed and fat but if I dont take it I have these panic attacks and I just dont know which is worse. 

I dont know what we are going to do about money but we need to figure something out fast since I dont have a job anymore and medical bills and other bills are just piling up.  I thought I could take this time off and start working on my own business but I just cant get motivated to get out of bed and do anything. 

Everything seems too overwhelming and I just want to sleep all day and wish I didnt have to deal with anything.  I have to do something… I just dont know where to start!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: