bipolar ramblings

7 Oct

part of a letter to a friend:

I don’t know what has been wrong with me, really it is ridiculous.  I went to the government shrink on the 1st and after that I have just gone crazy.  I told you she asked about some of the bad things that had happened to me but then wouldn’t even let me tell her all of it because she said it was ‘too upsetting’ for her to hear.  Well, it really bothered me that nobody cares enough to listen, not even doctors who are supposed to listen, and it made me bring it all back up and start thinking about it all again and then I just went crazy. 
Every day since that I have been going out shopping all day long, spending money I don’t have to be spending and doing stupid stuff like stealing some $3 earrings that I could have just paid for.  Then when I come home I clean like a mad woman.  I have totally cleaned out our closet and re-organized it, planted all new plants in our front yard, vacuumed the floors and scrubbed the house from top to bottom every day and it is just crazy, I cant stop and I cant slow down.  Then one night I took a bunch of Xanax, another night I got totally drunk off my ass, and every night I keep on taking a few Benadryl and a xanax so it will knock me out and I can sleep for a little while.
I am sorry I haven’t written, I was just so embarrassed of how I have been acting and I don’t feel like myself.  All of the sudden I am so angry with my parents and I don’t want to talk with them and I am positive they hate me.  I haven’t answered any calls from my friends or family.  I’m just all freaked out.  And my bf is so involved in his own shit (stupid video games and ‘war hammer’ crap) that he doesn’t even notice. 

I am still fat.  I gained back the weight I lost and am still sitting at 150lbs.  I have been eating and eating and eating some more… lots of junk and candy too.  I am going to start taking Xenadrine tomorrow and maybe go to the health food store and see if I can find anything.  They don’t sell anything with ephedrine here so I cant get my hands on that, and I cant afford adderall right now so I will have to find something cheap that will work and work fast.  I found the crystal lite things you add to your water and am about to go make one right now.  I bought like 6 boxes of them!  I took laxatives yesterday and I am thinking I will take more tonight. 

so, yeah i have been messed up lately and not doing well.  the stupid bipolar stuff is just going crazy.  and i hate everyone, and i hate all the bad things that have happened to me, and i am so mad at my brother for doing what he did and continues to do to me and at my parents for always letting him and not protecting me.  everything started with that, and that started when i was too young to even remember it starting… its just always been.  my life has been downhill ever since then.

i havent been home in a year and it is because i cant breathe just thinking of going there and dealing with him and its not fair.  i want to go home and visit my sick grandma and my pets and have a nice time with my family.  i keep thinking of suicide and that stupid doctor telling me i need to check into a hospital.  and my bf is shopping for my wedding ring and i love him so much but he is oblivious to whats going on with me and i feel so alone, and i hate being alone.


8 Responses to “bipolar ramblings”

  1. kesf 10/08/2008 at 6:46 pm #

    “Too upsetting for HER?” Well it’s the shrinks job!!! If we had no problems and were happy and had happy lives and experiences we wouldn’t need shriks now would we? She’d be out of a job!!!
    Kes xx

    • mykindanormal 10/09/2008 at 5:07 pm #

      i think she should be out of a job. what kind of dr is supposed to make you worse by treating you like that? i mean really…

      • kesf 10/09/2008 at 6:43 pm #

        Yeah… I agree!!! Grrr…

  2. shatterlife 10/09/2008 at 10:15 pm #

    Wow, that is one crazy shrink! That’s completely ridiculous! That is NOT a good doctor! Is it possible for you to see a different one? Unfortunately with shrinks, they force you have to have to shop around a bit to find a good one, if you’re even able to shop around, (a lot of people just aren’t able to because of financial limits, insurance limits, time limits or other reasons, which really really sucks!!) because there are definitely good ones and definitely bad ones, and that one was definitely a bad one! 😦 *hugs*
    I’m so sorry Kyle isn’t being more supportive of you 😦 😦 Is there anyway to talk to him or does he just not get it at all? 😦 😦 Sometimes my partner is really oblivious of my bad times and I have to sit him down and say bluntly, “Hey, look, some really bad sh*t is going on with me right now and I don’t know what to do about it, but I do know I NEED you to be here for me, even if I don’t know exactly how, yet” or something along those lines. 😦 *more hugs*

    • mykindanormal 10/09/2008 at 10:26 pm #

      he actually came to me earlier and said he is worried about me and wanted to talk. its not that he really isnt supportive, i think that sometimes it is just overwhelming for him and he plays his games to get away from it all… i totally understand… sometimes i just am so mad at everyone and i take it out on him too

      • shatterlife 10/09/2008 at 10:34 pm #

        That’s cool that he came to you and was able to tell you that he’s worried about you. I completely understand about partners becoming overwhelmed by this sort of stuff. Mine is a complete computer geek–not so much with video games, but just with programming and building machines and stuff. A lot of the time he’ll spend hours on them, especially when I’m having a hard time because he gets overwhelmed by all of it after I’ve dumped emotionally on him for awhile. And I totally hear you on being mad at everyone and taking it out on him, that’s definitely something I struggle with, too. I guess it’s all just a really sucky dynamic of trying to have good relationships now and having been abused in childhood 😦 It can all get so frustrating and overwhelming and a lot of the time our partners are the only ones there with us at the time… 😦 😦 *hugs*

      • mykindanormal 10/09/2008 at 10:53 pm #

        yeah it has to be tough for them… but hey at least they get to be with US. haha! i know sometimes mine feels like its all a rollercoaster and hes just on the ride and blindfolded… but he does the best he can and he is a kind and loving man. 🙂 im glad you have someone who is good to you as well – i honestly dont know where i would be without mine…

      • shatterlife 10/09/2008 at 11:23 pm #

        I concur completely! ^_^ I shudder to think where I would be without my sweetie. I’m glad you have the same, as well! ^_^

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