Archive | February, 2010

porn, lies, and video games

27 Feb

i worked hard cleaning the house yesterday while he sat and ‘played games’ – i put that in parentheses because i don’t know if that is  all he is doing anymore.  he promised me he would stop the porn again awhile back and i gave up on trying to control him and make him stop doing it a long time ago when he got his iphone and i knew he would do it if he wanted to so there was no reason for me to pay for web monitoring like net nanny anymore – which he was finding ways around anyways.  so,  i tried to trust that he stopped.  that was so stupid of me. 

i was trying to get netflix set up on the ps3 so i could watch a streaming movie last night while feeding the baby and eating some popcorn and i dont know what i hit because i was looking away, but suddenly a message came up asking if i wanted to access the bookmark ‘the brown eye turns pink – free ps3 porn’ or some shit like that. 

it was at that moment when i knew it was over for me.  i still love him, you dont just stop loving someone, but i dont like him.  i am trying to stay married to him for the baby’s sake though it may be better  for him to have no father than one who acts like his… this is something i have to think about.  if it werent for the baby i would leave him right now.  i dont have the money even if i wanted to leave him, and really am too sick to try to work – it is killing me just trying to take care of the baby.  plus, i dont want the baby to go to daycare and be raised by someone else if i can help it.   

right now though, i dont want to sleep in the same bed with him, i dont want him touching me, there will be no more sex – he clearly doesnt want or need me in that way anyway, and he will not see me walking around the house naked anymore ever!  im still trying to be civil, even nice but it is hard whe i would rather not even talk to him.  i dont know why i trusted him to change.  he is back at abusing prescription drugs again too after all we went through last month to get him off of them.  i dont know why i married him.  how could i have believed he loved me?  i miss the days when we really were best friends and we had fun together, and i dont think we will ever get that back now. 

like i didnt feel bad enough about myself already… and he was supposed to be my best friend…

as for stats, i binged yesterday, i was upset.  but it wasnt a bad one, probably around 1500 cals.  i can tell this morning  the cleanse is working, yay.  hope to do well today, get out of the house, exercise, and stuff.

Advertisements

my name is slim and i’m codependent

25 Feb

I’m having trouble with the hubby (like that’s news) again or still I guess.  I am so sick and tired of his shit I just feel like a zombie… I’m here because I married him and because of our baby but I feel so … THROUGH.  That’s the only way I know to describe it really.  I hate it.  I got pain meds because of the lupus etc from the dr, and I went in to get some and he had taken them.  He is always lying, abusing prescription drugs and alcohol, and being a total jerk to me.  It never ends and I’ve given up on things getting any better.  This is abuse, he is not hitting me like previous men but it is emotional and I can’t deal with it anymore.  I love him so much, and I love the sweet man that is in there somewhere, but I hate the addiction and what it has done to him and to our relationship.

I am distracting myself redecorating the house, things like that…  lots of projects…  and now I am going to take my feelings and put them into getting skinny again… I don’t care how sick I am or how much I hurt I am going to do it!!!  I was looking through old pics of me and I was so freaking skinny just a few years ago, and I want to get back to there.  I have to get back to that again.  I can’t keep living this way and I have to do this for myself.  I need control again, and this is a way that I can get some control back in my life… in fact one of the only ways I see. 

I told him last night I am not trying to control him anymore, because I have become someone I am not and someone I don’t want to be because of that.  I have become so codependent, and I am not going to worry about him constantly or wonder or try to stop him from looking at porn, drinking, or taking too many pills.  I am just through with all of that and it doesn’t help either of us, it just makes things worse.  I don’t want to be his freaking mother, I am tired of making rules for him and wiping his ass.  I am his wife and that’s all I am going to be from now on.  If he keeps fucking up then I will make a decision of what to do for myself, but not as a threat to him and not to  tell him what to do, I am going to focus on my own shit and live my own life from now on.

I am going to work on my projects here at the house.  Painting all the rooms and cabinets, re-doing all of the hardware, switch plates, and fixtures.  Cleaning out closets and the attic, selling and trashing shit and organizing what I keep.  Replacing the toilets and the kitchen faucet.  Painting the front door and the outside of the house, landscaping the yards, etc.  I have plenty of projects to keep me busy for a long time – especially at the pace I am working while taking care of a new baby and being so sick. 

Also, it will take forever because anything I do I have to do by myself, alone, just me.  He is always sleeping or playing games, always making excuses so that he doesn’t have to spend any time with me or the baby.  I sometimes wonder why he married me since he so obviously doesn’t want to spend any time with me.  He doesn’t know anything about me, he doesn’t listen, he doesn’t seem to care about how I feel or what I am going through.  I am doing everything there is to do here, including taking care of the baby 24/7 and things like taking out the trash and other chores and heavy lifting things that he should be helping me with in the first place but even more so now that I have Lupus and Fibromyalgia and am suffering constantly.   

Oh yeah, I am also going to start a cleanse today and when that is done start heavy restricting and exercising again.  I am going to get there again… no matter what it takes.

Today’s Stats Continue reading

it hurts

23 Feb

it hurts so bad when he comes to me and acts all nice saying he is sorry for everything and he is going to change and how much he loves me. it hurts when he is nice to me and acts like he wants to spend time with me and talk to me and be my friend again. it hurts so bad because i know it wont last long. it never does. then soon enough he will be back to his old ways.

wtf happened to us? we were best friends. we had so much fun all of the time. wtf?

bye-bye livejournal

17 Feb

i have moved my web journal from livejournal over to wordpress now.  i think i like wordpress better except i haven’t figured it all out yet, like i don’t know if i can make a ‘cut’ like i did in livejournal – things like that.  still setting it all up, adding categories and tags and all.  i hpoe it will be worth all of the work.

planning on starting to update again and start a serious weight loss plan tomorrow. 

this pregnancy body has to go. 

fast.