my name is slim and i’m codependent

25 Feb

I’m having trouble with the hubby (like that’s news) again or still I guess.  I am so sick and tired of his shit I just feel like a zombie… I’m here because I married him and because of our baby but I feel so … THROUGH.  That’s the only way I know to describe it really.  I hate it.  I got pain meds because of the lupus etc from the dr, and I went in to get some and he had taken them.  He is always lying, abusing prescription drugs and alcohol, and being a total jerk to me.  It never ends and I’ve given up on things getting any better.  This is abuse, he is not hitting me like previous men but it is emotional and I can’t deal with it anymore.  I love him so much, and I love the sweet man that is in there somewhere, but I hate the addiction and what it has done to him and to our relationship.

I am distracting myself redecorating the house, things like that…  lots of projects…  and now I am going to take my feelings and put them into getting skinny again… I don’t care how sick I am or how much I hurt I am going to do it!!!  I was looking through old pics of me and I was so freaking skinny just a few years ago, and I want to get back to there.  I have to get back to that again.  I can’t keep living this way and I have to do this for myself.  I need control again, and this is a way that I can get some control back in my life… in fact one of the only ways I see. 

I told him last night I am not trying to control him anymore, because I have become someone I am not and someone I don’t want to be because of that.  I have become so codependent, and I am not going to worry about him constantly or wonder or try to stop him from looking at porn, drinking, or taking too many pills.  I am just through with all of that and it doesn’t help either of us, it just makes things worse.  I don’t want to be his freaking mother, I am tired of making rules for him and wiping his ass.  I am his wife and that’s all I am going to be from now on.  If he keeps fucking up then I will make a decision of what to do for myself, but not as a threat to him and not to  tell him what to do, I am going to focus on my own shit and live my own life from now on.

I am going to work on my projects here at the house.  Painting all the rooms and cabinets, re-doing all of the hardware, switch plates, and fixtures.  Cleaning out closets and the attic, selling and trashing shit and organizing what I keep.  Replacing the toilets and the kitchen faucet.  Painting the front door and the outside of the house, landscaping the yards, etc.  I have plenty of projects to keep me busy for a long time – especially at the pace I am working while taking care of a new baby and being so sick. 

Also, it will take forever because anything I do I have to do by myself, alone, just me.  He is always sleeping or playing games, always making excuses so that he doesn’t have to spend any time with me or the baby.  I sometimes wonder why he married me since he so obviously doesn’t want to spend any time with me.  He doesn’t know anything about me, he doesn’t listen, he doesn’t seem to care about how I feel or what I am going through.  I am doing everything there is to do here, including taking care of the baby 24/7 and things like taking out the trash and other chores and heavy lifting things that he should be helping me with in the first place but even more so now that I have Lupus and Fibromyalgia and am suffering constantly.   

Oh yeah, I am also going to start a cleanse today and when that is done start heavy restricting and exercising again.  I am going to get there again… no matter what it takes.

Today’s Stats


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