porn, lies, and video games

27 Feb

i worked hard cleaning the house yesterday while he sat and ‘played games’ – i put that in parentheses because i don’t know if that is  all he is doing anymore.  he promised me he would stop the porn again awhile back and i gave up on trying to control him and make him stop doing it a long time ago when he got his iphone and i knew he would do it if he wanted to so there was no reason for me to pay for web monitoring like net nanny anymore – which he was finding ways around anyways.  so,  i tried to trust that he stopped.  that was so stupid of me. 

i was trying to get netflix set up on the ps3 so i could watch a streaming movie last night while feeding the baby and eating some popcorn and i dont know what i hit because i was looking away, but suddenly a message came up asking if i wanted to access the bookmark ‘the brown eye turns pink – free ps3 porn’ or some shit like that. 

it was at that moment when i knew it was over for me.  i still love him, you dont just stop loving someone, but i dont like him.  i am trying to stay married to him for the baby’s sake though it may be better  for him to have no father than one who acts like his… this is something i have to think about.  if it werent for the baby i would leave him right now.  i dont have the money even if i wanted to leave him, and really am too sick to try to work – it is killing me just trying to take care of the baby.  plus, i dont want the baby to go to daycare and be raised by someone else if i can help it.   

right now though, i dont want to sleep in the same bed with him, i dont want him touching me, there will be no more sex – he clearly doesnt want or need me in that way anyway, and he will not see me walking around the house naked anymore ever!  im still trying to be civil, even nice but it is hard whe i would rather not even talk to him.  i dont know why i trusted him to change.  he is back at abusing prescription drugs again too after all we went through last month to get him off of them.  i dont know why i married him.  how could i have believed he loved me?  i miss the days when we really were best friends and we had fun together, and i dont think we will ever get that back now. 

like i didnt feel bad enough about myself already… and he was supposed to be my best friend…

as for stats, i binged yesterday, i was upset.  but it wasnt a bad one, probably around 1500 cals.  i can tell this morning  the cleanse is working, yay.  hope to do well today, get out of the house, exercise, and stuff.

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2 Responses to “porn, lies, and video games”

  1. lizabit95 05/18/2010 at 11:43 am #

    Hey … it’s been a long, long time … but i followed your live journal link to your new site. i was signing in there for the first time in years b/c i needed to vent about a lot of the same stuff you’re talking about.
    I can sooooooo identify with what you’re going through!!!!! My hub has had a porn thing for the entire time we’ve been married … no matter what I’ve said or done to try to get him to stop (he just doesn’t seem to get – or care – what it does to an ED girl)
    and i just recently found out HE has been cyber stalking ME – thought i had an affair (i NEVER have – not even close – don’t even know anyone i would have one with)
    AND I have a new baby too … and am hating this flabby post partum belly … but i’m nursing so they tell me i can’t lose weight too fast or it could make him sick …. and it’s soooooo frustrating!
    i have lupus too … not fibromyalgia though, thank god. lupus is bad enough by itself. how are you holding up?
    congratulations on your new baby! i hope he can be enough to keep you going.
    ❤ – liz

  2. slimambition 05/19/2010 at 9:58 am #

    OMG! Of course i remember you! I am so glad you found me on here! Let’s keep in touch better this time, it will help to have someone to talk to who is going through all of the same stuff!

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