my husband is embarrassed of me

27 May

so last night out of the blue my husband says that he thinks if our son ever asks how old we are we should lie to him so that he doesn’t find out about our age difference, which is 8 years, me being the older one. i said why would we lie to him, and what does it matter that we have an age difference? he said because i don’t want people to make fun of him.

my heart fell to the floor. not only has my husband shown me he doesn’t love us, now my husband is embarrassed of us, embarrassed of me. my husband is embarrassed of me. god, it just makes me want to die.

now i am wondering, what brought this on. has he always been embarrassed of me and just hid it well? have people at work been teasing him about me? have his friends been talking shit? has he just gotten tired of me and decided he is embarrassed of me because of the way i look now? i don’t know, and he wont say.

so okay, i do look very tired lately. i know this. i have not had more than 30 minutes of sleep at a time totaling up to any more than 3 hours a day for months now. but that is because i have no help with the baby. i do everything by myself, and he goes to work true, but other than that he usually does nothing. sometimes he will help with the dishes or take out the trash… this is very rare. usually he just sleeps and plays his games, totally ignores me and the baby and gets pissed off if we bother him or if he gets interrupted by something like, heaven forbid, me asking him to hold the baby for a minute while i use the restroom.

i have had movies that i rented and movies that i have bought sitting here for months and he will not take the time to sit down and watch a movie with me… not even on our anniversary. i have a list of things i need to do and i cant do any of them because i have nobody to watch the baby for me, and you know i can not carry the baby and go do them myself. i wonder what am i supposed to do when i try to start my photography business because i can not depend on him to watch the baby for me and i don’t want to put the baby in a daycare.

is it really fair? i mean should all of my dreams and all of my chances to have fun and live life die just because i am married and we had a baby? shouldn’t my husband take his fair share of the responsibilities? i am just stuck here, with no help, no love, no escape? is this my life forever now?

i love taking care of my son, but i need some help sometimes too. i can not do as good of a job if i am totally worn out all of the time. they say it takes a village, and i don’t have anyone at all. i love my son, but i hate my life, if that makes any sense. if not for my son i would totally not be here… i wish i was dead that badly.

i feel like we are not even together most of the time. i feel like i am alone in everything and i have nobody to help me, to turn to, to confide in, to love me. it is like we live in the same house for financial reasons but there is no relationship. he makes me feel like we are an inconvenience, a burden, an annoyance…

i know he is supposedly trying and all, and yes he has done a few things like get me a card for our anniversary and help me clean in the kitchen a couple of times, he even went on a walk with us once. but where is the love, where is the time spent together, where is the help with the baby… i mean even if he doesn’t love me doesn’t he at least love the baby? how can he not want to spend time with the baby, love on him, play with him, have turns to feed him, change him, bathe him… bond with him? i cant understand this, no matter how i try.

i don’t know what to do or where i am even going with this. im just journaling, getting my thoughts and feelings out for a bit… i just feel like i am literally on the edge of a nervous breakdown. my heart hurts so badly that i feel like i am going to be sick. im tired of trying to not let the baby see me cry, to not let my husband see me cry, to pretend that things are good to the rest of the world. im just so tired, and im just so sad and hurt. i don’t see things ever changing and i don’t know what to do.

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11 Responses to “my husband is embarrassed of me”

  1. marriagecoach1 05/27/2010 at 11:05 am #

    I sense resentment on the part of hubby.
    Typically because women at your stage
    have given up on sex. Part of the key to
    getting romance back is overcome your exhausion
    to give him some sex, maybe a blow job.

    Men get very resentful over baby and wives
    when they are sexually starved.

    You might be surprised at how he mellows
    after some sex. Dr. Phil said that if a woman
    puts herself and her baby ahead of her husbands
    needs, he won’t be around to raise that
    baby.

    Just saying

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

    • mrsslimambition 05/27/2010 at 11:21 am #

      you really shouldnt talk about things you dont know about.

      i never put myself first, it is always my husband. i never deny him sex, no matter how tired i may be. he is the one who turns me down for sex.

      you shouldn’t come and read one post and think you know the whole back story and assume that it is me who is in the wrong and then spout off like that.

      just sayin.

      • marriagecoach1 05/27/2010 at 2:13 pm #

        Please accept my apologies. I deal with averages.
        Women denying men sex in your situation is
        extremely common. Even after the kids get older
        60% of married women have their husbands on a
        starvation diet of sex once a week or less.

        I am glad that you are the exception.

        I would suggest that you seek out the services of a marriage coach instead of a marriage counselor. Traditional marriage counselors have a horrendous 75% failure rate whereas marriage coaches have a 75% success rate.

        If you like, I offer a half hour free consultation.

        Blessings on you and yours
        John Wilder

  2. bipolarbeauti 05/27/2010 at 11:20 am #

    I’m sorry to read this. I too fill as if I’m putting up a front for the rest of the world. You need to stay strong and focus. Do you want to leave him and how can you go about doing it. Write down pro’s and con’s of the relationship. Maybe you need to open up a secret account and start getting ready for the day you decide to walk out. For your son’s sake you need need to figure out what’s best for the both of you. What wil make you happy. Keep your head up!

  3. lizabit 05/28/2010 at 11:31 am #

    as one sleep deprived mom to another, i totally understand where you’re coming from!

    that marriage coach guy is clearly as selfish as most men. i wouldn’t take any advice he had to give. is it really worth it to work so hard to hang on to a man who can’t put his own needs aside for the good of his own child or out of consideration for the woman he supposedly loves? (not referring to your man, just the “typical man” that he refers to)

    honestly though, it sounds like yours is just immature … the age thing is really no big deal —8 years is nothing compared to many age differences (think demi and ashton, for instance) and no one is teasing their kids!

    he needs guy friends that are grown ups … guys with kids and families … he needs to learn how to be a grown up and a dad instead of another giant kid who can’t give you what you need.

    mine is paranoid and nuts … but he does get that the kids come first … he’s not as helpful as he could be .. he is, after all, still a man. he thinks that changing one diaper a week makes him superman .. but he tries. and he knows that if i’m too tired to “give him a blow job” or whatever b/c i’ve been taking care of HIS children, then he’s got two perfectly good hands that are always happy to see him. 🙂

    hang in there, sweetie … it will get easier as the little one gets older and you can sleep. it’s amazing how much of a difference that makes in your ability to cope!

    • marriagecoach1 07/23/2012 at 4:02 am #

      Lizabet, I am not selfish and I do take on men for being selfish on my blog. That being said, women too often totally get immersed in the mommy role and deprive their husbands of the wife role. Any time I offer any critique of a woman, I get hate speech dumped on me. This is what most women do to their men, if they dare to critique her. The number one complaint that I get from men about their wives is not enough sex, the number two complaint is that women don’t make it safe for a man to critique her (although a woman reserves the right to critique the man at will). Women will react very defensively by yelling, name calling, put downs, witholding sex and/or crying with the express intention of teaching that “no good man” to never ever critique her again. Men learn the lesson all too well and seethe in silence. But what you have done by your actions is to effectively kills the intimacy and trust in your relationship.

      And to both you ladies who have critiqued me on here did you miss the part where I apologized

  4. tsphoto 04/07/2011 at 6:46 pm #

    Total prick!

  5. Cookie 04/30/2011 at 7:29 pm #

    Anybody that really, really thinks that Dr. Phil is a decent therapist should be taken with a grain of salt. The “Dr. Phil” show is just like any other ‘reality’ series out there-it’s pure exploitation in lieu of ratings, money and the hopes of ‘help’. Any therapist worth their salt knows that Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (the type that works) is only successful when there is trust and a good rapport in the Patient/Therapist dynamic. Dr. Phil looks at his guests as if they are beneath him. No therapy there, only exploitation.

    • marriagecoach1 07/23/2012 at 4:04 am #

      Yes I am in favor of behavioral therapy. I am also in favor of intensive coaching in a short period of time to save marriages. I take a mediator role and tell both husband and wife what behaviors that they are exhibiting that is hurting their relationships

  6. Sick of "Christian" Marriage "Coaches" 06/29/2012 at 1:31 pm #

    John Wilder can kiss the ass of an elephant. Why do “Christian” marriage coaches (or whatever the hell they call themselves now) always seem to tell women to keep trying to please the very men they’ve exhausted themselves into pleasing? If John Wilder, Elephant-Ass-Kisser, and Christian men and “marriage hackers” actually held men responsible for their sins and faults, then marriage might actually improve.

    John Wilder believes. . . the world is a shittier place because men don’t get enough blow jobs. Yeah, right. Never hold the man accountable, and dump it all on the woman, forcing her to whore herself out to the very man who has emotionally-bankrupted her. Dear Mr. Wilder, Jesus didn’t say, “Give me a blow job, and then I’ll die for you.”

    Men prove they can live without sex by neglecting their wives emotionally. Women also have needs just as strong that need to be met in order for them to be motivated and feel like a whole person. I believe Jesus will hold you accountable, John Wilder, and I think you may get spat out of his mouth.

    • marriagecoach1 07/23/2012 at 3:56 am #

      Yes the “Christian” woman spewing hate speech in violation of all scriptural commands. Had you bothered to read through my blog you will see that I take on men more so than I do women. I tell men to stop being selfish and when it comes to orgasms it should always be ladies first.

      I hold women and men accountable for their actions. You might want to go to I Cor 7 where it says that a woman nor a man can deprive their spouse of sex for my scriptural authority here. And I take full responsibility for my comments by publishing my real name instead of hiding behind some pseudonym and dumping hate speech on anyone.

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