thinking positive…

31 May

you know i have to say it, i am really not the type to complain in real life. i always put on a smile and make sure everyone else is happy and very seldom voice my woes to a select trusted few. this journal on the other hand is full of my troubles and whining, my bitching and moaning, my heartaches, disorders and self-esteem issues… and that is okay, because that is what it is for. it serves its purpose well, because it is a release and a place where i can put it all down and look at it outside of my head, and for me that really helps. sometimes though i just want to look past all of the other stuff and focus on the good in my life, because for all of the bad there is much more good.

all of our troubles aside, my husband is a good person and a good man. he loves me and the baby, he is not abusive to us, and he tries really hard. he is dealing with a lot too. he is suddenly responsible for taking care of a family, he is learning to cope and manage his type 1 diabetes, he is at a high stress job and he is the best there. he has taken a stand against his abusive parents for our family, he has gotten his alcoholism under control and is not drinking any more, he protected us from an intruder and has the scars to show for it, he has been by my side and not left me through good jobs, bad jobs, no job, and jobs with scarce work. he was with me through cancer, the pregnancy, and now lupus and fibromyalgia. we have been through so much and he has come so far. maybe he isn’t there for me in the perfect way that i want, but nobody is perfect, and at least he is there. yes, he withdraws into his own little world of video games and sometimes i feel neglected, but he is trying and he is doing better with it all every day. he is young and he is learning and growing up, he is going through things i had to go through and learn myself, and i have to let him do that and be there for him. no matter what troubles we have had, we love each other like nobody else. we laugh so much and we have a bond that is too strong to break. oh and you know what else? my husband is smokin’ hot! we are going to be okay, i know it deep in my heart!

we have so much to be thankful for. we have our love, we have our precious and perfect healthy baby boy, we are all still alive after so many things have happened that we shouldn’t have made it though. i survived abusive relationships, attempted rape and murder when that guy broke in my house, the pregnancy before our baby where i nearly died and lost the baby, the pregnancy with our baby, cancer and all the surgeries and treatments i had to go through for it, and so much more. my family is healthy and they love us, my mom survived her kidney cancer and is doing well. he has a good job and we have enough money to pay our bills, we have a beautiful house full of beautiful things, two cars, plenty of food and great little pets. i am able to stay home and take care of our baby, and as hard as it is on me it is a lot easier than if i had to work all day and then come home and take care of the baby all night. plus, because my husband works hard so that i can stay home, i don’t have to put the baby in day care, which we are passionately opposed to.

my life is good, and i don’t always think about the good stuff, especially not when i sit down to journal here… but sometimes it is nice to reflect and appreciate it all. i am very blessed, and really i am happy… i am a lot happier now than i used to be.

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