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love sucks

29 Aug

too exhausted to write, ill just copy a letter to my friend to document what is going on right now…

Hi. Man was I ever an idiot to think things were better with me and the hubs. I am so naive. But no, he is still abusing adderall, he is still drinking, and he is still whacking it to the gd porn. And sadly the last one is the one I just found out tonight and the one that hurts the most. It means I am not good enough. Fuck him. He can have his porn then, he isn’t getting sex anymore, I am sick and tired of the whole damn bullshit thing. I am going to work out at least once a day and please hold me accountable and make sure I do it. I am also not allowing myself more than 500 cals a day. Should be enough to keep the metabolism alive and give enough energy to take care of the baby and work out but still lose this weight fast. I am so upset and unhappy, and there is not a damn thing I can do about it. The only thing I can control is what I do, and so that is what I will focus on. To hell with tryin to be the best wife and make our relationship so wonderful, why am I trying so fucking hard when he isn’t trying at all? Sorry to dump on you, I just found out like a few seconds ago when I noticed he took the iphone with him to the bedroom and shut the doors then I walked in and he was doing ‘something’ under the covers. I hate my damn life and just wish it were something else. If it were not for the baby I would be so out of here. Going to cry now, before the baby wakes up and I have to act happy. Thanks for letting me vent. Love ya.

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thinspo

19 Aug

hayley williams from paramore, my newest thinspo.

im unbearable

2 Jul

or so my husband told me before he stormed off to work like an asshole today. more to come on this fight, and what all has gone on the past week, but for now, time to take care of the little one!

more old pics

16 Jun

i found a lot more old pictures while going through my stuff. i think i will start posting them on here randomly, just to keep me inspired. i also got brave and made a gallery for just pics of me in my thinspo files (on the links).

panties and tank in mirror

old pictures

15 Jun

i found some old pictures of me today, ones i used to send my hubby when we were dating and first married. pics of me in the tub, in my panties, all kinds of cute pics… and my god i was skinny just a few years ago! it served as thinspiration and motivation… i absolutely can get back to there.

oh i remember when i looked like this when we were first together and i thought i was hideously fat. now i would kill to be that size again. but i will get there, and then go even smaller, i will be 110 again, come hell or high water…

terrible day

11 Jun

it was just a terrible day. the worst in a long time.

my baby always sits in his bumbo chair on the kitchen cabinet while i make his bottles. i always stand right there with him and never leave him alone. he has never been able to get out of this chair whether we are using it on the floor or on the cabinet. today i was making his bottles and i turned and took my hand off of him for a split second and somehow he fell out. yes, my baby fell from his chair on the cabinet four feet down on to the tile floor.

luckily he is okay. i called the doctor immediately and then i took him to the doctor and they did a full neurological exam and everything and he is in perfect shape. the doctor said he had angels watching over him, and she was sure right! he has been doing just fine, laughing and playing, feeling great… on the other hand i am not doing well at all. i can not quit hearing the sound of him hitting the floor and turning to find him, seeing him laying there face down on the ground so small and screaming. oh it was so terrible. i have been crying and throwing up all day long because i am so upset.

he was sitting in a bumbo chair that we got from a friend. coming from a friend i never had the box and it did not have any warnings on it saying not to sit them in it on a table or anything off the ground. even the advertisements i have seen for this chair showed kids sitting in their bumbo chairs on tables. this is apparently a big problem though and there was a recall awhile back that i knew nothing about. our doctor said this is a common thing she sees and she knew the kind of chair before i even told her. she said not to beat myself up that it was not my fault and everything is okay. my husband on the other hand is angry and is acting like i did something wrong. i have taken care of the child for 8 months and nothing has ever happened to him, it is not like i am a bad mother.

i just want to warn everyone out there, DO NOT USE BUMBO CHAIRS anywhere but on the soft carpeted ground and with your direct supervision, if you use them at all.

Today’s Stats:
4 diet pepsis
1 activia – 70 cal
1 slimfast drink – 260 cal
pizza – 250 cal
1 laxative tea
TOTAL = 560 cal

self esteem – low, low, low!

thinking positive…

31 May

you know i have to say it, i am really not the type to complain in real life. i always put on a smile and make sure everyone else is happy and very seldom voice my woes to a select trusted few. this journal on the other hand is full of my troubles and whining, my bitching and moaning, my heartaches, disorders and self-esteem issues… and that is okay, because that is what it is for. it serves its purpose well, because it is a release and a place where i can put it all down and look at it outside of my head, and for me that really helps. sometimes though i just want to look past all of the other stuff and focus on the good in my life, because for all of the bad there is much more good.

all of our troubles aside, my husband is a good person and a good man. he loves me and the baby, he is not abusive to us, and he tries really hard. he is dealing with a lot too. he is suddenly responsible for taking care of a family, he is learning to cope and manage his type 1 diabetes, he is at a high stress job and he is the best there. he has taken a stand against his abusive parents for our family, he has gotten his alcoholism under control and is not drinking any more, he protected us from an intruder and has the scars to show for it, he has been by my side and not left me through good jobs, bad jobs, no job, and jobs with scarce work. he was with me through cancer, the pregnancy, and now lupus and fibromyalgia. we have been through so much and he has come so far. maybe he isn’t there for me in the perfect way that i want, but nobody is perfect, and at least he is there. yes, he withdraws into his own little world of video games and sometimes i feel neglected, but he is trying and he is doing better with it all every day. he is young and he is learning and growing up, he is going through things i had to go through and learn myself, and i have to let him do that and be there for him. no matter what troubles we have had, we love each other like nobody else. we laugh so much and we have a bond that is too strong to break. oh and you know what else? my husband is smokin’ hot! we are going to be okay, i know it deep in my heart!

we have so much to be thankful for. we have our love, we have our precious and perfect healthy baby boy, we are all still alive after so many things have happened that we shouldn’t have made it though. i survived abusive relationships, attempted rape and murder when that guy broke in my house, the pregnancy before our baby where i nearly died and lost the baby, the pregnancy with our baby, cancer and all the surgeries and treatments i had to go through for it, and so much more. my family is healthy and they love us, my mom survived her kidney cancer and is doing well. he has a good job and we have enough money to pay our bills, we have a beautiful house full of beautiful things, two cars, plenty of food and great little pets. i am able to stay home and take care of our baby, and as hard as it is on me it is a lot easier than if i had to work all day and then come home and take care of the baby all night. plus, because my husband works hard so that i can stay home, i don’t have to put the baby in day care, which we are passionately opposed to.

my life is good, and i don’t always think about the good stuff, especially not when i sit down to journal here… but sometimes it is nice to reflect and appreciate it all. i am very blessed, and really i am happy… i am a lot happier now than i used to be.