Archive | daily stats RSS feed for this section

stats for the week…

29 Aug

8/29 – 400 calories, 1 workout dvd
8/30 – 380 calories


terrible day

11 Jun

it was just a terrible day. the worst in a long time.

my baby always sits in his bumbo chair on the kitchen cabinet while i make his bottles. i always stand right there with him and never leave him alone. he has never been able to get out of this chair whether we are using it on the floor or on the cabinet. today i was making his bottles and i turned and took my hand off of him for a split second and somehow he fell out. yes, my baby fell from his chair on the cabinet four feet down on to the tile floor.

luckily he is okay. i called the doctor immediately and then i took him to the doctor and they did a full neurological exam and everything and he is in perfect shape. the doctor said he had angels watching over him, and she was sure right! he has been doing just fine, laughing and playing, feeling great… on the other hand i am not doing well at all. i can not quit hearing the sound of him hitting the floor and turning to find him, seeing him laying there face down on the ground so small and screaming. oh it was so terrible. i have been crying and throwing up all day long because i am so upset.

he was sitting in a bumbo chair that we got from a friend. coming from a friend i never had the box and it did not have any warnings on it saying not to sit them in it on a table or anything off the ground. even the advertisements i have seen for this chair showed kids sitting in their bumbo chairs on tables. this is apparently a big problem though and there was a recall awhile back that i knew nothing about. our doctor said this is a common thing she sees and she knew the kind of chair before i even told her. she said not to beat myself up that it was not my fault and everything is okay. my husband on the other hand is angry and is acting like i did something wrong. i have taken care of the child for 8 months and nothing has ever happened to him, it is not like i am a bad mother.

i just want to warn everyone out there, DO NOT USE BUMBO CHAIRS anywhere but on the soft carpeted ground and with your direct supervision, if you use them at all.

Today’s Stats:
4 diet pepsis
1 activia – 70 cal
1 slimfast drink – 260 cal
pizza – 250 cal
1 laxative tea
TOTAL = 560 cal

self esteem – low, low, low!

porn, lies, and video games

27 Feb

i worked hard cleaning the house yesterday while he sat and ‘played games’ – i put that in parentheses because i don’t know if that is  all he is doing anymore.  he promised me he would stop the porn again awhile back and i gave up on trying to control him and make him stop doing it a long time ago when he got his iphone and i knew he would do it if he wanted to so there was no reason for me to pay for web monitoring like net nanny anymore – which he was finding ways around anyways.  so,  i tried to trust that he stopped.  that was so stupid of me. 

i was trying to get netflix set up on the ps3 so i could watch a streaming movie last night while feeding the baby and eating some popcorn and i dont know what i hit because i was looking away, but suddenly a message came up asking if i wanted to access the bookmark ‘the brown eye turns pink – free ps3 porn’ or some shit like that. 

it was at that moment when i knew it was over for me.  i still love him, you dont just stop loving someone, but i dont like him.  i am trying to stay married to him for the baby’s sake though it may be better  for him to have no father than one who acts like his… this is something i have to think about.  if it werent for the baby i would leave him right now.  i dont have the money even if i wanted to leave him, and really am too sick to try to work – it is killing me just trying to take care of the baby.  plus, i dont want the baby to go to daycare and be raised by someone else if i can help it.   

right now though, i dont want to sleep in the same bed with him, i dont want him touching me, there will be no more sex – he clearly doesnt want or need me in that way anyway, and he will not see me walking around the house naked anymore ever!  im still trying to be civil, even nice but it is hard whe i would rather not even talk to him.  i dont know why i trusted him to change.  he is back at abusing prescription drugs again too after all we went through last month to get him off of them.  i dont know why i married him.  how could i have believed he loved me?  i miss the days when we really were best friends and we had fun together, and i dont think we will ever get that back now. 

like i didnt feel bad enough about myself already… and he was supposed to be my best friend…

as for stats, i binged yesterday, i was upset.  but it wasnt a bad one, probably around 1500 cals.  i can tell this morning  the cleanse is working, yay.  hope to do well today, get out of the house, exercise, and stuff.

my name is slim and i’m codependent

25 Feb

I’m having trouble with the hubby (like that’s news) again or still I guess.  I am so sick and tired of his shit I just feel like a zombie… I’m here because I married him and because of our baby but I feel so … THROUGH.  That’s the only way I know to describe it really.  I hate it.  I got pain meds because of the lupus etc from the dr, and I went in to get some and he had taken them.  He is always lying, abusing prescription drugs and alcohol, and being a total jerk to me.  It never ends and I’ve given up on things getting any better.  This is abuse, he is not hitting me like previous men but it is emotional and I can’t deal with it anymore.  I love him so much, and I love the sweet man that is in there somewhere, but I hate the addiction and what it has done to him and to our relationship.

I am distracting myself redecorating the house, things like that…  lots of projects…  and now I am going to take my feelings and put them into getting skinny again… I don’t care how sick I am or how much I hurt I am going to do it!!!  I was looking through old pics of me and I was so freaking skinny just a few years ago, and I want to get back to there.  I have to get back to that again.  I can’t keep living this way and I have to do this for myself.  I need control again, and this is a way that I can get some control back in my life… in fact one of the only ways I see. 

I told him last night I am not trying to control him anymore, because I have become someone I am not and someone I don’t want to be because of that.  I have become so codependent, and I am not going to worry about him constantly or wonder or try to stop him from looking at porn, drinking, or taking too many pills.  I am just through with all of that and it doesn’t help either of us, it just makes things worse.  I don’t want to be his freaking mother, I am tired of making rules for him and wiping his ass.  I am his wife and that’s all I am going to be from now on.  If he keeps fucking up then I will make a decision of what to do for myself, but not as a threat to him and not to  tell him what to do, I am going to focus on my own shit and live my own life from now on.

I am going to work on my projects here at the house.  Painting all the rooms and cabinets, re-doing all of the hardware, switch plates, and fixtures.  Cleaning out closets and the attic, selling and trashing shit and organizing what I keep.  Replacing the toilets and the kitchen faucet.  Painting the front door and the outside of the house, landscaping the yards, etc.  I have plenty of projects to keep me busy for a long time – especially at the pace I am working while taking care of a new baby and being so sick. 

Also, it will take forever because anything I do I have to do by myself, alone, just me.  He is always sleeping or playing games, always making excuses so that he doesn’t have to spend any time with me or the baby.  I sometimes wonder why he married me since he so obviously doesn’t want to spend any time with me.  He doesn’t know anything about me, he doesn’t listen, he doesn’t seem to care about how I feel or what I am going through.  I am doing everything there is to do here, including taking care of the baby 24/7 and things like taking out the trash and other chores and heavy lifting things that he should be helping me with in the first place but even more so now that I have Lupus and Fibromyalgia and am suffering constantly.   

Oh yeah, I am also going to start a cleanse today and when that is done start heavy restricting and exercising again.  I am going to get there again… no matter what it takes.

Today’s Stats Continue reading


17 Oct

So, about my job firing me after they found out I have cancer, etc….  I went to my first meeting today with the lawyers I have been talking to on the phone.  They have a beautiful office and they were very nice, thorough, and helpful.  We went over everything in detail and they feel that there may be several different areas where they could do something.  They were interested in helping and looking further into it so I got all of my records together and took them back this afternoon.  I had thought this might be a shot in the dark but it looks like there might actually be something they can do which is very encouraging.I decided to do measurements on myself so that when I lose weight I can see if I am getting smaller.  I measured and it was disgusting and sickening, depressing and so freaking unbelivable.  How did I let myself get so huge?  I have to get this weight off, I have to shrink those areas.  OMG! 


liquid fast

15 Oct

i started my liquid fast today and am doing well.  i also cleaned the house big time then worked out abs and arms.  i feel pretty sick, but not hungry.  yay!  i am going to do this for as long as i can.  i have to catch up for this last week of slacking!

Stats For Today

newest plan

8 Oct

i have to lose about 4lbs a week to make my goal of 40lbs by christmas.  here is the plan i have for myself…

600 calories daily or less.

4 liters water daily or more.

eat only apples, rice, salad, or veggie soup.

exercise daily.

do something productive like…  journal, work on business plan, budget, read, etc. daily.

clean or organize something daily.

affirmations daily.

Stats For Today