old pictures

15 Jun

i found some old pictures of me today, ones i used to send my hubby when we were dating and first married. pics of me in the tub, in my panties, all kinds of cute pics… and my god i was skinny just a few years ago! it served as thinspiration and motivation… i absolutely can get back to there.

oh i remember when i looked like this when we were first together and i thought i was hideously fat. now i would kill to be that size again. but i will get there, and then go even smaller, i will be 110 again, come hell or high water…

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terrible day

11 Jun

it was just a terrible day. the worst in a long time.

my baby always sits in his bumbo chair on the kitchen cabinet while i make his bottles. i always stand right there with him and never leave him alone. he has never been able to get out of this chair whether we are using it on the floor or on the cabinet. today i was making his bottles and i turned and took my hand off of him for a split second and somehow he fell out. yes, my baby fell from his chair on the cabinet four feet down on to the tile floor.

luckily he is okay. i called the doctor immediately and then i took him to the doctor and they did a full neurological exam and everything and he is in perfect shape. the doctor said he had angels watching over him, and she was sure right! he has been doing just fine, laughing and playing, feeling great… on the other hand i am not doing well at all. i can not quit hearing the sound of him hitting the floor and turning to find him, seeing him laying there face down on the ground so small and screaming. oh it was so terrible. i have been crying and throwing up all day long because i am so upset.

he was sitting in a bumbo chair that we got from a friend. coming from a friend i never had the box and it did not have any warnings on it saying not to sit them in it on a table or anything off the ground. even the advertisements i have seen for this chair showed kids sitting in their bumbo chairs on tables. this is apparently a big problem though and there was a recall awhile back that i knew nothing about. our doctor said this is a common thing she sees and she knew the kind of chair before i even told her. she said not to beat myself up that it was not my fault and everything is okay. my husband on the other hand is angry and is acting like i did something wrong. i have taken care of the child for 8 months and nothing has ever happened to him, it is not like i am a bad mother.

i just want to warn everyone out there, DO NOT USE BUMBO CHAIRS anywhere but on the soft carpeted ground and with your direct supervision, if you use them at all.

Today’s Stats:
4 diet pepsis
1 activia – 70 cal
1 slimfast drink – 260 cal
pizza – 250 cal
1 laxative tea
TOTAL = 560 cal

self esteem – low, low, low!

thinking positive…

31 May

you know i have to say it, i am really not the type to complain in real life. i always put on a smile and make sure everyone else is happy and very seldom voice my woes to a select trusted few. this journal on the other hand is full of my troubles and whining, my bitching and moaning, my heartaches, disorders and self-esteem issues… and that is okay, because that is what it is for. it serves its purpose well, because it is a release and a place where i can put it all down and look at it outside of my head, and for me that really helps. sometimes though i just want to look past all of the other stuff and focus on the good in my life, because for all of the bad there is much more good.

all of our troubles aside, my husband is a good person and a good man. he loves me and the baby, he is not abusive to us, and he tries really hard. he is dealing with a lot too. he is suddenly responsible for taking care of a family, he is learning to cope and manage his type 1 diabetes, he is at a high stress job and he is the best there. he has taken a stand against his abusive parents for our family, he has gotten his alcoholism under control and is not drinking any more, he protected us from an intruder and has the scars to show for it, he has been by my side and not left me through good jobs, bad jobs, no job, and jobs with scarce work. he was with me through cancer, the pregnancy, and now lupus and fibromyalgia. we have been through so much and he has come so far. maybe he isn’t there for me in the perfect way that i want, but nobody is perfect, and at least he is there. yes, he withdraws into his own little world of video games and sometimes i feel neglected, but he is trying and he is doing better with it all every day. he is young and he is learning and growing up, he is going through things i had to go through and learn myself, and i have to let him do that and be there for him. no matter what troubles we have had, we love each other like nobody else. we laugh so much and we have a bond that is too strong to break. oh and you know what else? my husband is smokin’ hot! we are going to be okay, i know it deep in my heart!

we have so much to be thankful for. we have our love, we have our precious and perfect healthy baby boy, we are all still alive after so many things have happened that we shouldn’t have made it though. i survived abusive relationships, attempted rape and murder when that guy broke in my house, the pregnancy before our baby where i nearly died and lost the baby, the pregnancy with our baby, cancer and all the surgeries and treatments i had to go through for it, and so much more. my family is healthy and they love us, my mom survived her kidney cancer and is doing well. he has a good job and we have enough money to pay our bills, we have a beautiful house full of beautiful things, two cars, plenty of food and great little pets. i am able to stay home and take care of our baby, and as hard as it is on me it is a lot easier than if i had to work all day and then come home and take care of the baby all night. plus, because my husband works hard so that i can stay home, i don’t have to put the baby in day care, which we are passionately opposed to.

my life is good, and i don’t always think about the good stuff, especially not when i sit down to journal here… but sometimes it is nice to reflect and appreciate it all. i am very blessed, and really i am happy… i am a lot happier now than i used to be.

my husband is embarrassed of me

27 May

so last night out of the blue my husband says that he thinks if our son ever asks how old we are we should lie to him so that he doesn’t find out about our age difference, which is 8 years, me being the older one. i said why would we lie to him, and what does it matter that we have an age difference? he said because i don’t want people to make fun of him.

my heart fell to the floor. not only has my husband shown me he doesn’t love us, now my husband is embarrassed of us, embarrassed of me. my husband is embarrassed of me. god, it just makes me want to die.

now i am wondering, what brought this on. has he always been embarrassed of me and just hid it well? have people at work been teasing him about me? have his friends been talking shit? has he just gotten tired of me and decided he is embarrassed of me because of the way i look now? i don’t know, and he wont say.

so okay, i do look very tired lately. i know this. i have not had more than 30 minutes of sleep at a time totaling up to any more than 3 hours a day for months now. but that is because i have no help with the baby. i do everything by myself, and he goes to work true, but other than that he usually does nothing. sometimes he will help with the dishes or take out the trash… this is very rare. usually he just sleeps and plays his games, totally ignores me and the baby and gets pissed off if we bother him or if he gets interrupted by something like, heaven forbid, me asking him to hold the baby for a minute while i use the restroom.

i have had movies that i rented and movies that i have bought sitting here for months and he will not take the time to sit down and watch a movie with me… not even on our anniversary. i have a list of things i need to do and i cant do any of them because i have nobody to watch the baby for me, and you know i can not carry the baby and go do them myself. i wonder what am i supposed to do when i try to start my photography business because i can not depend on him to watch the baby for me and i don’t want to put the baby in a daycare.

is it really fair? i mean should all of my dreams and all of my chances to have fun and live life die just because i am married and we had a baby? shouldn’t my husband take his fair share of the responsibilities? i am just stuck here, with no help, no love, no escape? is this my life forever now?

i love taking care of my son, but i need some help sometimes too. i can not do as good of a job if i am totally worn out all of the time. they say it takes a village, and i don’t have anyone at all. i love my son, but i hate my life, if that makes any sense. if not for my son i would totally not be here… i wish i was dead that badly.

i feel like we are not even together most of the time. i feel like i am alone in everything and i have nobody to help me, to turn to, to confide in, to love me. it is like we live in the same house for financial reasons but there is no relationship. he makes me feel like we are an inconvenience, a burden, an annoyance…

i know he is supposedly trying and all, and yes he has done a few things like get me a card for our anniversary and help me clean in the kitchen a couple of times, he even went on a walk with us once. but where is the love, where is the time spent together, where is the help with the baby… i mean even if he doesn’t love me doesn’t he at least love the baby? how can he not want to spend time with the baby, love on him, play with him, have turns to feed him, change him, bathe him… bond with him? i cant understand this, no matter how i try.

i don’t know what to do or where i am even going with this. im just journaling, getting my thoughts and feelings out for a bit… i just feel like i am literally on the edge of a nervous breakdown. my heart hurts so badly that i feel like i am going to be sick. im tired of trying to not let the baby see me cry, to not let my husband see me cry, to pretend that things are good to the rest of the world. im just so tired, and im just so sad and hurt. i don’t see things ever changing and i don’t know what to do.

men… ugh!

21 May

So my husband didnt do anything for me on mother’s day, he didnt even say ‘happy mother’s day’ to me.  That really hurt me bad!  I mean I try to be a good wife and all and I don’t know but I think I am a pretty good wife…  but I know damn well that I am a great mommy.  My life revolves around our baby and I do a really good job.   It killed me that my hubby didn’t even acknowledge mothers day. 

I just get so upset that he is so selfish.  He never thinks of anyone but himself, not me, not our baby, nobody else.  He never thinks to get me birthday gifts, christmas gifts, not cards, not even a note or a kind word… even when he proposed to me he just did it while I was messing around and working out at home one day.  He even said he was just nervous and just wanted to get it over with.  It hurts, you know, I just want some special things in my life.  I want to be treated like I am special, like I matter, and I am loved…  I bend over backwards to do it for him… 

I told him about it and a few days after it he got me a card saying he loves me and that was nice, but it doesnt fix everything.  He says he is going to try harder to be a good dad and husband to me too, he even put a post it note up on his mirror that says “love your family, they need you dummy” for himself! 

He has tried a bit more than usual since then its true.  He has helped me do dishes some and he has gone on a walk with us on his day off.  I still want more, I want him to spend time with me and to help with, hold, play with, and love the baby… but I will take what I can get and hope it keeps getting better…

We used to be best friends, I guess we still are, but we just aren’t as close all of the time as we used to be. We still have fun every once in a while, but not all of the time like we used to. I really think it started falling apart when he went out of control with the drinking and pills and such. I keep holding out hope that if all of that gets under control he will come back to me and be the man he was when I fell in love with him. The drinking is finally under control and things are improving some, it might not sound like it but it was so much worse when he was drinking, so bad I would leave the house for fear he might really hurt me and yes, he did hurt me a few times… but of course he doesn’t even remember. But, that is when it started to get bad and maybe we can fix that and things will get better again. I watch one of my favorite movies, “Away We Go” and I just love it because it is just like us, the way things used to be. I want that back… need it back.

Oh yeah, also he has been checking my phone and stuff (who knows what else) because he wants to be sure I am not talking to someone else!  When I found out I couldn’t help laugh out loud, hysterically!  I have no idea why he would think that I would be cheating!  I have started texting my old BFF and we have been talking a lot more than we used to but still… I don’t know where he comes up with this stuff! 

I don’t have the self esteem to get out of the house (or the energy) and I know that no guy in his right mind would want ME.  Who wants some fat ugly cow with a baby and husband!?!?!  He also says he is worried that I am going to have great success with my photography business that I am working on getting started and that once I do I will realize I don’t need him and I will take the baby and leave him. 

I just start to worry now because usually when a guy is paranoid you are cheating on him it is because he is the one doing the badness.  I dont really think he is, I mean if he is not at home he is at work, so when does he have the time?  But, he has gotten away with lying to me before about so many other things… so I always have to wonder!

Mirena is EVIL!

19 May

Mirena is an IUD/IUC that is being marketed heavily by most OB/GYNs and women are not being informed of all of the horrendous side effects that many have experienced following its insertion.  This is my experience with the Mirena IUD…

Three months after giving birth I got the Mirena IUD inserted at my OB/GYN’s office.  This was not cheap, not at all, even with insurance… but since it was so highly recommended by my doctor and I have a friend who has it and has had no problems it sounded like it would be ideal and I was excited to get it in.  I mean, all I have to do is have this one appointment and get this little thing inserted into me and then I don’t have to worry about getting pregnant for FIVE years!  They said there aren’t really any side effects except for spotting awhile and after that I wouldn’t have to even worry about having a period at all!  I forgot the old cliché, “if it sounds too good to be true it probably is”!

After having the Mirena IUD inserted my pain from my fibromyalgia and Lupus became noticeably worse almost immediately, and that was only the beginning of the side effects for me.  I had extreme fatigue, depression, mood swings, insomnia, anxiety, weight gain, joint pain, hair loss, abnormal hair growth in male pattern areas, appetite changes, spotting, pelvic pain and odor, loss of sex drive, headaches and dizziness just to name a few.

The weight gain, swelling and bloating, especially in my stomach, was crazy.  I had started to see my stomach shrink back to the pre-pregnancy size and had already lost 30 lbs before I got the Mirena.  After it was inserted only four months later I had gained over 20 lbs and my stomach looked like I was about four or five months pregnant again.  My ankles and wrists, even my fingers were so swollen I looked like a balloon that was about to burst. 

I went from wanting sex so much that I jokingly called myself a nymphomaniac to feeling repulsed by the thought of sex and avoiding it at all costs.  It was not only my sexual appetite that changed but my eating habits and appetite changed as well.   I used to be able to fast and feel good about it for a while, and suddenly I was going through stages where I was eating like a horse and could not stop eating.  No matter what I would be hungry, and I could never quench that craving for the next item of food.  When I would force myself to diet and eat properly and exercise I would still keep gaining weight so it seemed hopeless and I had no idea what was wrong with me. 

My joint pain from Lupus and Fibromyalgia got so much worse that at times I could not even pick up my new baby, who was premature and tiny anyways.  I got so bad that I could hardly get out of bed, and there was no way I could leave the house.  I could barely drive and I could not carry the baby carrier into the store to shop or anything.  I ended up totally stuck at home, hurting too bad to even hold my spoon and eat at times.  Yes, it was that bad and I am not exaggerating at all.  Plus, I have a very high pain tolerance and for anything to hurt me it has to be extremely painful!

My hair was falling out in huge wads and it was not stopping!  I could not sleep, no matter how exhausted I was.  I was having terrible headaches, even worse than the normal migraines that I have grown used to over the years.  I started to have strange hair growth that I never had before, little hairs trailing up my belly and little hairs on my face and even occasionally around my nipples, and thickening hair on my face!  That hair growth just kept getting worse and worse until I was plucking the areas at least once a day! 

As if all of this was not enough I started having terrible pains in my pelvic area.  I was not only having pain there, but constantly noticed a discharge and odor that no matter what I did would not go away.  I would have sharp pains feeling like they were in the area of the ovaries and then pains that would just double me over in the cervix and uterus area.  It was all of this pain and trouble in the pelvic area that made me start to put things together, and when I checked for my strings on the fourth month I could not feel them. 

I looked online and realized that other people were having these same problems and called my OB/GYN and told her office I could not find the strings and was having terrible pain.  When they finally got me in over a week later they were cold to say the least and also tried to talk me out of having the Mirena removed.  They didn’t act like they believed me about all of the side effects I was having and did not warn me of any I might have post-removal.  I said I still wanted it out if they could find it and so they went in to look.  Finally they found it and it was growing into my uterine wall and they had to snip it out.  Then I asked for a different method of birth control and they prescribed me orthocycline and left me to get dressed.  When I asked if we could look into my terrible pain in the pelvic area I was told to give it a few months, if I am still hurting they will look into it.   I saw they just threw the Mirena IUD in the trash and snapped a picture of it before I left, I couldnt believe that they just tossed it in there like that.  So, I paid for another expensive doctor visit and this is just one more problem I have had from the Mirena.

After having the Mirena IUD removed within 12 hours I could see that I have ankles again!  I am still having most of the other side effects, but the appetite seems to be settling down.  I am having terrible bleeding and expreiencing what they call the “Mirena Crash” which is terrible mood swings, depression, headaches, and insomnia that are maybe even worse than when I had it in.  But I have noticed that the hair loss is slowing down and I really feel hopeful that getting this thing out is going to help things get back to normal.  I know it will take some time, but I am excited about the possibility of being myself again someday. 

Please research the Mirena IUD very carefully before you get one.  I know they are apparently working fine for some people, but I suspect they may be having side effects and problems that they don’t even know are being caused by the Mirena.  I am now doing research into silicone poisoning due to the Mirena because I have found it is something that alot of people are experiencing and I have symptoms. It is very upsetting how I was not told of the possible side effects of having the Mirena in or  of the “Mirena Crash” after having it out. I will keep updating this site with how my post-Miren a experience plays out!  It has been a little over a week since I had it removed as of today.

cleanse needed

4 May

well i am starting fresh again.  i am determined to lose 40lbs in 2 months.  can i do it?  i dont know.  i really dont know.  i hope so. 

i am starting on all liquids again today – this includes acai berry juice daily and acai berry/green tea pills daily too.  i need to go to the store and get the ingredients to do the Master Cleanse and start on that soon.  i also have to work out some every single day, without fail.  oh, and drink tons of water.  i think i could do like…

week 1- liquids only

week 2- master cleanse

week 3- liquids only

week 4- salads, fruits, veggies, soup, yogurt in a 5-7-9 schedule

week 5- master cleanse

week 6- liquids only

week 7- salads, fruits, veggies, soup, yogurt in a 5-7-9 schedule

week 8- master cleanse

so that is my plan. 

i found out that, as i had suspected for years, my favorite little sister has ed too.  she is trying to recover so i didnt encourage her or recruit her to be unhealthy with me.  i love her and want the best for her and i dont think treating your body the way i treat mine is the best thing for anyone.

umm… my new thinspo girls are rachel mcadams & tori spelling.