Tag Archives: abuse

my name is slim and i’m codependent

25 Feb

I’m having trouble with the hubby (like that’s news) again or still I guess.  I am so sick and tired of his shit I just feel like a zombie… I’m here because I married him and because of our baby but I feel so … THROUGH.  That’s the only way I know to describe it really.  I hate it.  I got pain meds because of the lupus etc from the dr, and I went in to get some and he had taken them.  He is always lying, abusing prescription drugs and alcohol, and being a total jerk to me.  It never ends and I’ve given up on things getting any better.  This is abuse, he is not hitting me like previous men but it is emotional and I can’t deal with it anymore.  I love him so much, and I love the sweet man that is in there somewhere, but I hate the addiction and what it has done to him and to our relationship.

I am distracting myself redecorating the house, things like that…  lots of projects…  and now I am going to take my feelings and put them into getting skinny again… I don’t care how sick I am or how much I hurt I am going to do it!!!  I was looking through old pics of me and I was so freaking skinny just a few years ago, and I want to get back to there.  I have to get back to that again.  I can’t keep living this way and I have to do this for myself.  I need control again, and this is a way that I can get some control back in my life… in fact one of the only ways I see. 

I told him last night I am not trying to control him anymore, because I have become someone I am not and someone I don’t want to be because of that.  I have become so codependent, and I am not going to worry about him constantly or wonder or try to stop him from looking at porn, drinking, or taking too many pills.  I am just through with all of that and it doesn’t help either of us, it just makes things worse.  I don’t want to be his freaking mother, I am tired of making rules for him and wiping his ass.  I am his wife and that’s all I am going to be from now on.  If he keeps fucking up then I will make a decision of what to do for myself, but not as a threat to him and not to  tell him what to do, I am going to focus on my own shit and live my own life from now on.

I am going to work on my projects here at the house.  Painting all the rooms and cabinets, re-doing all of the hardware, switch plates, and fixtures.  Cleaning out closets and the attic, selling and trashing shit and organizing what I keep.  Replacing the toilets and the kitchen faucet.  Painting the front door and the outside of the house, landscaping the yards, etc.  I have plenty of projects to keep me busy for a long time – especially at the pace I am working while taking care of a new baby and being so sick. 

Also, it will take forever because anything I do I have to do by myself, alone, just me.  He is always sleeping or playing games, always making excuses so that he doesn’t have to spend any time with me or the baby.  I sometimes wonder why he married me since he so obviously doesn’t want to spend any time with me.  He doesn’t know anything about me, he doesn’t listen, he doesn’t seem to care about how I feel or what I am going through.  I am doing everything there is to do here, including taking care of the baby 24/7 and things like taking out the trash and other chores and heavy lifting things that he should be helping me with in the first place but even more so now that I have Lupus and Fibromyalgia and am suffering constantly.   

Oh yeah, I am also going to start a cleanse today and when that is done start heavy restricting and exercising again.  I am going to get there again… no matter what it takes.

Today’s Stats Continue reading

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bipolar ramblings

7 Oct

part of a letter to a friend:

 
I don’t know what has been wrong with me, really it is ridiculous.  I went to the government shrink on the 1st and after that I have just gone crazy.  I told you she asked about some of the bad things that had happened to me but then wouldn’t even let me tell her all of it because she said it was ‘too upsetting’ for her to hear.  Well, it really bothered me that nobody cares enough to listen, not even doctors who are supposed to listen, and it made me bring it all back up and start thinking about it all again and then I just went crazy. 
 
Every day since that I have been going out shopping all day long, spending money I don’t have to be spending and doing stupid stuff like stealing some $3 earrings that I could have just paid for.  Then when I come home I clean like a mad woman.  I have totally cleaned out our closet and re-organized it, planted all new plants in our front yard, vacuumed the floors and scrubbed the house from top to bottom every day and it is just crazy, I cant stop and I cant slow down.  Then one night I took a bunch of Xanax, another night I got totally drunk off my ass, and every night I keep on taking a few Benadryl and a xanax so it will knock me out and I can sleep for a little while.
 
I am sorry I haven’t written, I was just so embarrassed of how I have been acting and I don’t feel like myself.  All of the sudden I am so angry with my parents and I don’t want to talk with them and I am positive they hate me.  I haven’t answered any calls from my friends or family.  I’m just all freaked out.  And my bf is so involved in his own shit (stupid video games and ‘war hammer’ crap) that he doesn’t even notice. 
 

I am still fat.  I gained back the weight I lost and am still sitting at 150lbs.  I have been eating and eating and eating some more… lots of junk and candy too.  I am going to start taking Xenadrine tomorrow and maybe go to the health food store and see if I can find anything.  They don’t sell anything with ephedrine here so I cant get my hands on that, and I cant afford adderall right now so I will have to find something cheap that will work and work fast.  I found the crystal lite things you add to your water and am about to go make one right now.  I bought like 6 boxes of them!  I took laxatives yesterday and I am thinking I will take more tonight. 

so, yeah i have been messed up lately and not doing well.  the stupid bipolar stuff is just going crazy.  and i hate everyone, and i hate all the bad things that have happened to me, and i am so mad at my brother for doing what he did and continues to do to me and at my parents for always letting him and not protecting me.  everything started with that, and that started when i was too young to even remember it starting… its just always been.  my life has been downhill ever since then.

i havent been home in a year and it is because i cant breathe just thinking of going there and dealing with him and its not fair.  i want to go home and visit my sick grandma and my pets and have a nice time with my family.  i keep thinking of suicide and that stupid doctor telling me i need to check into a hospital.  and my bf is shopping for my wedding ring and i love him so much but he is oblivious to whats going on with me and i feel so alone, and i hate being alone.

fatty fatty me

18 Sep

Well, after my surgeries I have not been able to do anything but be on ‘bedrest’ and I have gained weight big time.  I was instructed that I have to eat a little bit of meat and be sure to eat enough to help me heal properly after my surgery for the cancer.  Now all I do is lay around all day and do my stupid comfort eating.  But I am formulating a plan of action and I will start on it Sunday.  I will start doing exercise tapes every day at home and cut my calories again to start with.  I am also thinking of doing an apple fast because my neighbor just brought me a huge bowl full of organic apples.

In two weeks I should be released to do activity again and then we will start walking the dogs too which will help and also let me get out of the house. (hopefully i can make myself, just going to get the mail is hard for me and its right out the front door)  I think I weigh about 150 now and I am grossed out to think about it.  I cant look in the mirror or look at myself.  I dont even want to get dressed or fix my hair and most days I dont.  i never do my make up anymore and i am just so gross!

My bf has started school again and I hate that all day long he is seeing sexy skinny little skanks and then he comes home to me and I am sure he is disgusted too.  He tried to compliment me the other day and told me dont worry about the girls at school because “you are pretty in your own way” – oh, let me tell you, it did not go over well.  I cant stop thinking about it and hating myself.  He hasnt drank in a few days and is working on that, thank goodness, but I just hope he can stop.  Living with an alcoholic sucks and makes life tougher than I make it on myself already. 

I dont have any friends and feel lonely and am going crazy stuck in the house all day every single long day.  I take xanax and sleep alot and I really shouldnt because it just makes me more depressed and fat but if I dont take it I have these panic attacks and I just dont know which is worse. 

I dont know what we are going to do about money but we need to figure something out fast since I dont have a job anymore and medical bills and other bills are just piling up.  I thought I could take this time off and start working on my own business but I just cant get motivated to get out of bed and do anything. 

Everything seems too overwhelming and I just want to sleep all day and wish I didnt have to deal with anything.  I have to do something… I just dont know where to start!

excerpt from letter to friend…

18 May

 i have actually been making plans and going through stuff, getting rid of things, all things to make things easier on my boyfriend and my family if i killed myself.  i think about it too much.  i too think why doesn’t and why hasn’t anyone ever loved me.  from my parents when i was little not protecting me to every boyfriend i have ever had cheating on me, to my boyfriend being totally selfish, lying all the time, and alcoholic.  i seem to always be waiting for the day when he realizes he is too good for me, meets some young college girl at his school who is skinny and fun and not boring and depressed, fat and ugly.  i am constantly on edge wondering when i am going to catch him in the lie that gets him caught with it.  but i really don’t think he would do it, but my mind makes me believe the craziest things.

 
it seems pointless going to work and coming home and going to work and coming home.  i don’t have any real friends and cant make any or keep any, i cant get close to anyone because they will either think i am crazy, not like me, use me, or hurt me somehow… that is what always happens.  at work i am so paranoid, i always think everyone is talking bad about me, constantly to the point that i cant even concentrate.  anytime anyone laughs i think it is about me.  i am just a total mess.  and i remember when i used to be ‘popular’ and the life of the party and i thought i had so many friends, but really none of them were my friends at all.  i am tired of being bipolar and it is so hard to hide it at work.  some of the girls at my work want to be friends with me, or maybe i want to be friends with them too really, but i am so scared they will find out that i am bipolar and a nut case.  i don’t know i am rambling. 

so, yeah, havent done my plan.  found out from the dr’s scale my scale was 10 lbs off, but have now lost another 10lbs so am right back to where i thought i was originally.  life is pretty sucky.  started thyroid pills and pills for depression/bipolar and hope they work.  i have been really sick twice, once with food poisoning and the last time with a uti that went into a terribly bad kidney infection (so bad i was scared my kidneys were shutting down because i was peeing dark brown) but am getting better now, just worn out.  work is going okay, i have missed alot but havent gotten fired.  cant miss anymore or i know even though i am one of the best they will have to fire me.  we got a new puppy, she is great and i love her.  i want to lose 10 more lbs this month.  that will be 20 lbs in 5 weeks.   surely i can do that.  usually i drink a shake for breakfast now, eat a granola bar or handfull of cherios for lunch and have a normal dinner.  it has been working.  me being really sick and really depressed because of my boyfriend being alcoholic and all probably has helped me lose weight too.  it has been really bad with him lately, but we had a talk and i hope that he is going to stop it.  anyway, just a quick update.  i am still alive.

i hate my sucky life

1 Feb

 COPPIED FROM LETTER TO LIKE MY ONLY FRIEND IN THE WORLD…

The job I had to talk to that lady about was total crap and I wasted all day trying to get it only to find out I could go work at McDonnalds and make more.  We have no money but my boyfriend came home with two huge handles of Bacardi Silver and Skye Vodka and was drunk by 3pm at which time he invited his friend and his friends new girlfriend to come over tonight.  So, I get to clean house and get dressed, do my hair and make up and all that crap and I have a migraine and just wanted to go to bed.  Then I told him it was not fair to invite people over like that without talking to me first, because it is my house too and I am the one who has to do all the work.  He just kept on being an asshole and told me to grow up.  So, I have been crying for about three hours and thirty minutes now.  He is so mean when he is drunk and he promised me last weekend he wouldnt get drunk anymore because I made a video to show him how mean he is to me when he gets drunk.  I cleaned the kitchen and then he went in there and decided to try to cook while being drunk and got stuff all over the place and dirtied up all the dishes again while I put up the laundry and cleaned the bathroom.  Then I made the bed and cleaned the kitchen again and he went into the bathroom to run himself a freaking bath and messed the bathroom up again.  

Later he got out of the bath and decided to cook again.  he made a comment about me not answering him when he talks to me and I told him that is because I have nothing to say to him and would rather not talk to him at all.  I refused to eat anything today and told him I dont want to eat because I hate my life and my alchoholic boyfriend.  He wasnt even listening though and he wont remember anything tomorrow. 

I am really worried about him and dont know what to do.  I am also upset that he is apparently so freaking unhappy with me that he has to waste money that we do not have to get drunk every chance he gets.  Before it was this it was getting high, and since we moved here and he has no connections to get weed it is now getting drunk all of the time in it’s place.  

The only good thing I have to say now is I have finished following behind him and cleaning up his messes for now and he got drunk so early that it is 7pm and he is passed out snoring on the bed with the television blaring.  I hope he sleeps all night and doesnt wake up and drink more and be mean to me.  I am sick of this bullshit.  THIS IS ABUSE, you know…  I dont know what to do.  I am going to go into the living room and watch Grey’s Anatomy on the big screen and pretend there is nothing else in the world.  I wish I was drunk or high… anything to escape from this life of mine…

Today’s Stats
CW: ? too scared to step on the scale with the way my day has been today
1 diet coke