Tag Archives: binge

bipolar ramblings

7 Oct

part of a letter to a friend:

 
I don’t know what has been wrong with me, really it is ridiculous.  I went to the government shrink on the 1st and after that I have just gone crazy.  I told you she asked about some of the bad things that had happened to me but then wouldn’t even let me tell her all of it because she said it was ‘too upsetting’ for her to hear.  Well, it really bothered me that nobody cares enough to listen, not even doctors who are supposed to listen, and it made me bring it all back up and start thinking about it all again and then I just went crazy. 
 
Every day since that I have been going out shopping all day long, spending money I don’t have to be spending and doing stupid stuff like stealing some $3 earrings that I could have just paid for.  Then when I come home I clean like a mad woman.  I have totally cleaned out our closet and re-organized it, planted all new plants in our front yard, vacuumed the floors and scrubbed the house from top to bottom every day and it is just crazy, I cant stop and I cant slow down.  Then one night I took a bunch of Xanax, another night I got totally drunk off my ass, and every night I keep on taking a few Benadryl and a xanax so it will knock me out and I can sleep for a little while.
 
I am sorry I haven’t written, I was just so embarrassed of how I have been acting and I don’t feel like myself.  All of the sudden I am so angry with my parents and I don’t want to talk with them and I am positive they hate me.  I haven’t answered any calls from my friends or family.  I’m just all freaked out.  And my bf is so involved in his own shit (stupid video games and ‘war hammer’ crap) that he doesn’t even notice. 
 

I am still fat.  I gained back the weight I lost and am still sitting at 150lbs.  I have been eating and eating and eating some more… lots of junk and candy too.  I am going to start taking Xenadrine tomorrow and maybe go to the health food store and see if I can find anything.  They don’t sell anything with ephedrine here so I cant get my hands on that, and I cant afford adderall right now so I will have to find something cheap that will work and work fast.  I found the crystal lite things you add to your water and am about to go make one right now.  I bought like 6 boxes of them!  I took laxatives yesterday and I am thinking I will take more tonight. 

so, yeah i have been messed up lately and not doing well.  the stupid bipolar stuff is just going crazy.  and i hate everyone, and i hate all the bad things that have happened to me, and i am so mad at my brother for doing what he did and continues to do to me and at my parents for always letting him and not protecting me.  everything started with that, and that started when i was too young to even remember it starting… its just always been.  my life has been downhill ever since then.

i havent been home in a year and it is because i cant breathe just thinking of going there and dealing with him and its not fair.  i want to go home and visit my sick grandma and my pets and have a nice time with my family.  i keep thinking of suicide and that stupid doctor telling me i need to check into a hospital.  and my bf is shopping for my wedding ring and i love him so much but he is oblivious to whats going on with me and i feel so alone, and i hate being alone.

better

3 Feb

 feeling better today about things.  discussed problems with boyfriend and i think we have come to an understanding and it has helped our relationship.  i binged yesterday, ate a whole pizza and got drunk then i threw it all up.  didnt weigh today out of fear of what it will say and also i have the worst hangover…  

on another note, i have a freaky scary stalker guy online.  dont even want to say anything about it on here really because who knows if he can read this or not.  i hate the internet for that reason, people are scary.

im back skinnies

14 Nov

i havent been on for the past few days.  i have cheated badly.  i had my first binge in over 2 months.  it wasnt too bad but it was still bad.  so, i have not really lost any weight in the last week and am so behind on my schedule.  i absolutely have to start working out every day, saying my affirmations at least twice daily, and following a plan that i can stick to.  i have been so moody and not losing weight and i thought it was because maybe i was going to have my period again, but nothing yet…

anyway, i am starting over now.  the last plan i made did not work.  so i have modified my original plan and think it will be better.  with this plan i should lose nearly 4lbs a week.  probably i can lose more if i exercise more and harder.  we will see.  

 M 700 cals
T 300 cals (only liquids, soups, and yogurt)
W 700 cals
T 300 cals (only liquids, soups, and yogurt)
F 500 cals
S 700 cals
S 100-200 cals (only liquids, soups, and yogurt)all of this with exercise at least 5 days a week, 5htp pills, womens multivitamin, more water, and green tea daily.

CW: 149

 
we had a great 2 year anniversary celebration and i love my man so much.  we went out to eat at red lobster because we both love that place.  we had drinks and a great time.  he told me over and over how amazing i look and that made me feel really great. 

some bad things have happened in the last few days; i lost a friend because he is aparently fucking insane but even though it hurts i will get over it.  i have a birthday party to go to for my friend’s little girl this weekend.  she hasnt seen me in a few months.  i am really hoping that she will be able to tell a big difference!  i also see satan again this weekend and i hope that she can tell a difference too.  keeping my fingers crossed!

we have started house hunting, and we hope to buy a new house in may or june of 2008.  house hunting is fun.  i hope we can get something we love, though to spend as much as we want we may have to have our parents sign for it and/or i will have to get a better job.  there is alot of false information on my credit report that is being fixed and that should be taken care of by then too.  maybe we will win the lottery and all of our problems will be solved.  or maybe our parents will help us by co-signing or something…

i messed up on my ticker before, so i made a new one (it is located in my about me post under my user profile if you ever want to keep up with how i am doing)… with the final goal being 105 lbs.  the goal before christmas is still 120lbs.  so 44 to go to the final goal, and 29 to go before christmas.  ahhhh!  i dont know how i am going to do it.  anyone with any help, please comment me!

soooo tired!

15 Oct
Today’s Stats
chips = 200 calories
yogurt = 45 calories
salad = 150 calories
peanut butter = 80 calories
beef jerky = 40 calories
3 diet cokes
3 glasses of water
kung pow chicken w/ fried rice and a fortune cookie = 500 calories est.

total calories today… WAY TOO MANY!  tomorrow i must dobetter!

couldnt sleep AGAIN.  i am so tired.  it seems sleep problems are multiplied when i am losing weight.  I hate it.  

i was too tired to work out today which is very bad because i binged last night.  tomorrow i must do better.  tomorrow i start over and hit it hard.