Tag Archives: bipolar

bipolar ramblings

7 Oct

part of a letter to a friend:

 
I don’t know what has been wrong with me, really it is ridiculous.  I went to the government shrink on the 1st and after that I have just gone crazy.  I told you she asked about some of the bad things that had happened to me but then wouldn’t even let me tell her all of it because she said it was ‘too upsetting’ for her to hear.  Well, it really bothered me that nobody cares enough to listen, not even doctors who are supposed to listen, and it made me bring it all back up and start thinking about it all again and then I just went crazy. 
 
Every day since that I have been going out shopping all day long, spending money I don’t have to be spending and doing stupid stuff like stealing some $3 earrings that I could have just paid for.  Then when I come home I clean like a mad woman.  I have totally cleaned out our closet and re-organized it, planted all new plants in our front yard, vacuumed the floors and scrubbed the house from top to bottom every day and it is just crazy, I cant stop and I cant slow down.  Then one night I took a bunch of Xanax, another night I got totally drunk off my ass, and every night I keep on taking a few Benadryl and a xanax so it will knock me out and I can sleep for a little while.
 
I am sorry I haven’t written, I was just so embarrassed of how I have been acting and I don’t feel like myself.  All of the sudden I am so angry with my parents and I don’t want to talk with them and I am positive they hate me.  I haven’t answered any calls from my friends or family.  I’m just all freaked out.  And my bf is so involved in his own shit (stupid video games and ‘war hammer’ crap) that he doesn’t even notice. 
 

I am still fat.  I gained back the weight I lost and am still sitting at 150lbs.  I have been eating and eating and eating some more… lots of junk and candy too.  I am going to start taking Xenadrine tomorrow and maybe go to the health food store and see if I can find anything.  They don’t sell anything with ephedrine here so I cant get my hands on that, and I cant afford adderall right now so I will have to find something cheap that will work and work fast.  I found the crystal lite things you add to your water and am about to go make one right now.  I bought like 6 boxes of them!  I took laxatives yesterday and I am thinking I will take more tonight. 

so, yeah i have been messed up lately and not doing well.  the stupid bipolar stuff is just going crazy.  and i hate everyone, and i hate all the bad things that have happened to me, and i am so mad at my brother for doing what he did and continues to do to me and at my parents for always letting him and not protecting me.  everything started with that, and that started when i was too young to even remember it starting… its just always been.  my life has been downhill ever since then.

i havent been home in a year and it is because i cant breathe just thinking of going there and dealing with him and its not fair.  i want to go home and visit my sick grandma and my pets and have a nice time with my family.  i keep thinking of suicide and that stupid doctor telling me i need to check into a hospital.  and my bf is shopping for my wedding ring and i love him so much but he is oblivious to whats going on with me and i feel so alone, and i hate being alone.

excerpt from letter to friend…

18 May

 i have actually been making plans and going through stuff, getting rid of things, all things to make things easier on my boyfriend and my family if i killed myself.  i think about it too much.  i too think why doesn’t and why hasn’t anyone ever loved me.  from my parents when i was little not protecting me to every boyfriend i have ever had cheating on me, to my boyfriend being totally selfish, lying all the time, and alcoholic.  i seem to always be waiting for the day when he realizes he is too good for me, meets some young college girl at his school who is skinny and fun and not boring and depressed, fat and ugly.  i am constantly on edge wondering when i am going to catch him in the lie that gets him caught with it.  but i really don’t think he would do it, but my mind makes me believe the craziest things.

 
it seems pointless going to work and coming home and going to work and coming home.  i don’t have any real friends and cant make any or keep any, i cant get close to anyone because they will either think i am crazy, not like me, use me, or hurt me somehow… that is what always happens.  at work i am so paranoid, i always think everyone is talking bad about me, constantly to the point that i cant even concentrate.  anytime anyone laughs i think it is about me.  i am just a total mess.  and i remember when i used to be ‘popular’ and the life of the party and i thought i had so many friends, but really none of them were my friends at all.  i am tired of being bipolar and it is so hard to hide it at work.  some of the girls at my work want to be friends with me, or maybe i want to be friends with them too really, but i am so scared they will find out that i am bipolar and a nut case.  i don’t know i am rambling. 

so, yeah, havent done my plan.  found out from the dr’s scale my scale was 10 lbs off, but have now lost another 10lbs so am right back to where i thought i was originally.  life is pretty sucky.  started thyroid pills and pills for depression/bipolar and hope they work.  i have been really sick twice, once with food poisoning and the last time with a uti that went into a terribly bad kidney infection (so bad i was scared my kidneys were shutting down because i was peeing dark brown) but am getting better now, just worn out.  work is going okay, i have missed alot but havent gotten fired.  cant miss anymore or i know even though i am one of the best they will have to fire me.  we got a new puppy, she is great and i love her.  i want to lose 10 more lbs this month.  that will be 20 lbs in 5 weeks.   surely i can do that.  usually i drink a shake for breakfast now, eat a granola bar or handfull of cherios for lunch and have a normal dinner.  it has been working.  me being really sick and really depressed because of my boyfriend being alcoholic and all probably has helped me lose weight too.  it has been really bad with him lately, but we had a talk and i hope that he is going to stop it.  anyway, just a quick update.  i am still alive.

the root of it all

31 Jan

 Possibly starting my period, maybe that has been the cause of the weight gain… Feeling a bit better today.  Have laughed and played and spent the day with my boyfriend.  It was a pretty good day.  I have to call a lady back tomorrow about a transcription job, which if I could get that it would be great and fix so many of the problems I have… which are not that many really… just money problems and being fat and bipolar mostly.  

I have been thinking alot about alot of things lately… alot of things from my past.  I have come to the conclusion that I wouldnt be so messed up if I hadnt had to deal with daily sexual abuse my whole life and nobody believing me or helping me.  This seems pretty obvious now, but I never really thought about it or put it together.  Now that I have, it just makes me more mad about the whole thing.  

I dont want to be bipolar.  I dont want to go through all I go through on a daily basis and I dont want to make my boyfriend deal with all he has to deal with from me being bipolar.  I dont want any of it and I dont know how to fix it.  It really pisses me off.  But, I dont know what to do to fix it… 

Today’s Stats
CW: 140lbs
2 bean & cheese burritos
1 diet coke
1 fresca
6 cups water