Tag Archives: break-in

bipolar ramblings

7 Oct

part of a letter to a friend:

 
I don’t know what has been wrong with me, really it is ridiculous.  I went to the government shrink on the 1st and after that I have just gone crazy.  I told you she asked about some of the bad things that had happened to me but then wouldn’t even let me tell her all of it because she said it was ‘too upsetting’ for her to hear.  Well, it really bothered me that nobody cares enough to listen, not even doctors who are supposed to listen, and it made me bring it all back up and start thinking about it all again and then I just went crazy. 
 
Every day since that I have been going out shopping all day long, spending money I don’t have to be spending and doing stupid stuff like stealing some $3 earrings that I could have just paid for.  Then when I come home I clean like a mad woman.  I have totally cleaned out our closet and re-organized it, planted all new plants in our front yard, vacuumed the floors and scrubbed the house from top to bottom every day and it is just crazy, I cant stop and I cant slow down.  Then one night I took a bunch of Xanax, another night I got totally drunk off my ass, and every night I keep on taking a few Benadryl and a xanax so it will knock me out and I can sleep for a little while.
 
I am sorry I haven’t written, I was just so embarrassed of how I have been acting and I don’t feel like myself.  All of the sudden I am so angry with my parents and I don’t want to talk with them and I am positive they hate me.  I haven’t answered any calls from my friends or family.  I’m just all freaked out.  And my bf is so involved in his own shit (stupid video games and ‘war hammer’ crap) that he doesn’t even notice. 
 

I am still fat.  I gained back the weight I lost and am still sitting at 150lbs.  I have been eating and eating and eating some more… lots of junk and candy too.  I am going to start taking Xenadrine tomorrow and maybe go to the health food store and see if I can find anything.  They don’t sell anything with ephedrine here so I cant get my hands on that, and I cant afford adderall right now so I will have to find something cheap that will work and work fast.  I found the crystal lite things you add to your water and am about to go make one right now.  I bought like 6 boxes of them!  I took laxatives yesterday and I am thinking I will take more tonight. 

so, yeah i have been messed up lately and not doing well.  the stupid bipolar stuff is just going crazy.  and i hate everyone, and i hate all the bad things that have happened to me, and i am so mad at my brother for doing what he did and continues to do to me and at my parents for always letting him and not protecting me.  everything started with that, and that started when i was too young to even remember it starting… its just always been.  my life has been downhill ever since then.

i havent been home in a year and it is because i cant breathe just thinking of going there and dealing with him and its not fair.  i want to go home and visit my sick grandma and my pets and have a nice time with my family.  i keep thinking of suicide and that stupid doctor telling me i need to check into a hospital.  and my bf is shopping for my wedding ring and i love him so much but he is oblivious to whats going on with me and i feel so alone, and i hate being alone.

im still alive

15 Aug

i havent been on much, i havent been trying too hard, things have been quite a mess lately. 

at the end of may someone tried to break into our house and attacked my boyfriend leaving him with 16 stitches and a deep gash in his arm.  luckily he was able to keep them out, but it was very traumatic for both of us.  after that we decided to move and went through all of that mess and now we are finally moved and pretty settled in our new house. 

i was diagnosed with cancer and my job has been awful to me and finally fired me early this week.  i will have a surgery to try to get it out of me next week.  i have been even more of an emotional wreck than normal, so that is really bad.  i filed for social security disability today, and hope i get that because i can not go to work anymore and hold a job for emotional reasons, because of the cancer and my chrohns.  

i have lost weight because my clothes fit differently and everyone comments.  but i dont know how much because when we moved our scale totally broke and i havent bought a new one.  i need to try harder, as soon as i feel like working out again i will start.  we have been walking the dogs most nights and that totally exhausts me.  

anyway, how is everyone?  i miss you guys.  at least now  i am not working and i will have more time to be online…