Tag Archives: disability
25 Nov

I have been gone for a while having more surgeries and stuck in bed.  I have been depressed and not dieting or working out so I have gained back to 149.  The stupid lawyers have not called and I have not heard anything back on the disability.  Life is pretty sucky right now and I need to get back on track…


im still alive

15 Aug

i havent been on much, i havent been trying too hard, things have been quite a mess lately. 

at the end of may someone tried to break into our house and attacked my boyfriend leaving him with 16 stitches and a deep gash in his arm.  luckily he was able to keep them out, but it was very traumatic for both of us.  after that we decided to move and went through all of that mess and now we are finally moved and pretty settled in our new house. 

i was diagnosed with cancer and my job has been awful to me and finally fired me early this week.  i will have a surgery to try to get it out of me next week.  i have been even more of an emotional wreck than normal, so that is really bad.  i filed for social security disability today, and hope i get that because i can not go to work anymore and hold a job for emotional reasons, because of the cancer and my chrohns.  

i have lost weight because my clothes fit differently and everyone comments.  but i dont know how much because when we moved our scale totally broke and i havent bought a new one.  i need to try harder, as soon as i feel like working out again i will start.  we have been walking the dogs most nights and that totally exhausts me.  

anyway, how is everyone?  i miss you guys.  at least now  i am not working and i will have more time to be online…

lies all lies

30 Jan

 sometimes i put on a thong to make myself feel pretty.  then i just end up feeling like a fat girl in a thong.  

i am thinking of filing for disability.  i have not been able to work at a real job for over a year.  i am diagnosed with crohns, ocd, bipolar, anxiety disorder, among other things… but all of these things could get me on disability i think.  

i dont know what to do.  i cant  get a job because i cant leave the damn house because i am too fat and ugly, and also because i dont trust my boyfriend alone after the issues we have had in the past.  it has been over a year now since i last found him doing bad things behind my back, but i still have issues trusting him and i dont know if i ever will be able to completely trust him.  i cant trust anyone, not even my family. 

nobody knows or understands … and i hate that it is a secret from everyone.  i havent seen my dr in over a year now because i dont have a job and cant afford it, and whenever i do see him i dont know how i am going to tell him how bad i have gotten, i will be so embarassed, but i cant lie to him like i do to everyone else.  i wish i had the money to see him, gawd i wish i did.  

my bipolar episodes of ups and downs are so terrible.  one day i think i am going to start a job and get my sht together and then the next day i cant get out of bed.  last night i was terrible, then my bf came home and we laid in bed laughing and talking for hours and i was great, i was estatic.  today, i stayed in bed nearly all day. the wellbutrin doesnt really seem to help.  

i gained weight.  i dont know how because i havent been eating shit.  it better be my period or i am seriously just going to start starving myself completely and cutting the freaking fat off my body.  and why do i want to lose weight anyway?  then i will just be a skinny ugly girl.  i know i am ugly because whenever i talk about wanting to be pretty people say, you are beautiful inside… that means i am hidious outside.

Today’s Stats
CW: 145 again? wtf
1 cup oj, metamucil, vitamins, cleanse