Tag Archives: journal

love sucks

29 Aug

too exhausted to write, ill just copy a letter to my friend to document what is going on right now…

Hi. Man was I ever an idiot to think things were better with me and the hubs. I am so naive. But no, he is still abusing adderall, he is still drinking, and he is still whacking it to the gd porn. And sadly the last one is the one I just found out tonight and the one that hurts the most. It means I am not good enough. Fuck him. He can have his porn then, he isn’t getting sex anymore, I am sick and tired of the whole damn bullshit thing. I am going to work out at least once a day and please hold me accountable and make sure I do it. I am also not allowing myself more than 500 cals a day. Should be enough to keep the metabolism alive and give enough energy to take care of the baby and work out but still lose this weight fast. I am so upset and unhappy, and there is not a damn thing I can do about it. The only thing I can control is what I do, and so that is what I will focus on. To hell with tryin to be the best wife and make our relationship so wonderful, why am I trying so fucking hard when he isn’t trying at all? Sorry to dump on you, I just found out like a few seconds ago when I noticed he took the iphone with him to the bedroom and shut the doors then I walked in and he was doing ‘something’ under the covers. I hate my damn life and just wish it were something else. If it were not for the baby I would be so out of here. Going to cry now, before the baby wakes up and I have to act happy. Thanks for letting me vent. Love ya.

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old pictures

15 Jun

i found some old pictures of me today, ones i used to send my hubby when we were dating and first married. pics of me in the tub, in my panties, all kinds of cute pics… and my god i was skinny just a few years ago! it served as thinspiration and motivation… i absolutely can get back to there.

oh i remember when i looked like this when we were first together and i thought i was hideously fat. now i would kill to be that size again. but i will get there, and then go even smaller, i will be 110 again, come hell or high water…

thinking positive…

31 May

you know i have to say it, i am really not the type to complain in real life. i always put on a smile and make sure everyone else is happy and very seldom voice my woes to a select trusted few. this journal on the other hand is full of my troubles and whining, my bitching and moaning, my heartaches, disorders and self-esteem issues… and that is okay, because that is what it is for. it serves its purpose well, because it is a release and a place where i can put it all down and look at it outside of my head, and for me that really helps. sometimes though i just want to look past all of the other stuff and focus on the good in my life, because for all of the bad there is much more good.

all of our troubles aside, my husband is a good person and a good man. he loves me and the baby, he is not abusive to us, and he tries really hard. he is dealing with a lot too. he is suddenly responsible for taking care of a family, he is learning to cope and manage his type 1 diabetes, he is at a high stress job and he is the best there. he has taken a stand against his abusive parents for our family, he has gotten his alcoholism under control and is not drinking any more, he protected us from an intruder and has the scars to show for it, he has been by my side and not left me through good jobs, bad jobs, no job, and jobs with scarce work. he was with me through cancer, the pregnancy, and now lupus and fibromyalgia. we have been through so much and he has come so far. maybe he isn’t there for me in the perfect way that i want, but nobody is perfect, and at least he is there. yes, he withdraws into his own little world of video games and sometimes i feel neglected, but he is trying and he is doing better with it all every day. he is young and he is learning and growing up, he is going through things i had to go through and learn myself, and i have to let him do that and be there for him. no matter what troubles we have had, we love each other like nobody else. we laugh so much and we have a bond that is too strong to break. oh and you know what else? my husband is smokin’ hot! we are going to be okay, i know it deep in my heart!

we have so much to be thankful for. we have our love, we have our precious and perfect healthy baby boy, we are all still alive after so many things have happened that we shouldn’t have made it though. i survived abusive relationships, attempted rape and murder when that guy broke in my house, the pregnancy before our baby where i nearly died and lost the baby, the pregnancy with our baby, cancer and all the surgeries and treatments i had to go through for it, and so much more. my family is healthy and they love us, my mom survived her kidney cancer and is doing well. he has a good job and we have enough money to pay our bills, we have a beautiful house full of beautiful things, two cars, plenty of food and great little pets. i am able to stay home and take care of our baby, and as hard as it is on me it is a lot easier than if i had to work all day and then come home and take care of the baby all night. plus, because my husband works hard so that i can stay home, i don’t have to put the baby in day care, which we are passionately opposed to.

my life is good, and i don’t always think about the good stuff, especially not when i sit down to journal here… but sometimes it is nice to reflect and appreciate it all. i am very blessed, and really i am happy… i am a lot happier now than i used to be.

my husband is embarrassed of me

27 May

so last night out of the blue my husband says that he thinks if our son ever asks how old we are we should lie to him so that he doesn’t find out about our age difference, which is 8 years, me being the older one. i said why would we lie to him, and what does it matter that we have an age difference? he said because i don’t want people to make fun of him.

my heart fell to the floor. not only has my husband shown me he doesn’t love us, now my husband is embarrassed of us, embarrassed of me. my husband is embarrassed of me. god, it just makes me want to die.

now i am wondering, what brought this on. has he always been embarrassed of me and just hid it well? have people at work been teasing him about me? have his friends been talking shit? has he just gotten tired of me and decided he is embarrassed of me because of the way i look now? i don’t know, and he wont say.

so okay, i do look very tired lately. i know this. i have not had more than 30 minutes of sleep at a time totaling up to any more than 3 hours a day for months now. but that is because i have no help with the baby. i do everything by myself, and he goes to work true, but other than that he usually does nothing. sometimes he will help with the dishes or take out the trash… this is very rare. usually he just sleeps and plays his games, totally ignores me and the baby and gets pissed off if we bother him or if he gets interrupted by something like, heaven forbid, me asking him to hold the baby for a minute while i use the restroom.

i have had movies that i rented and movies that i have bought sitting here for months and he will not take the time to sit down and watch a movie with me… not even on our anniversary. i have a list of things i need to do and i cant do any of them because i have nobody to watch the baby for me, and you know i can not carry the baby and go do them myself. i wonder what am i supposed to do when i try to start my photography business because i can not depend on him to watch the baby for me and i don’t want to put the baby in a daycare.

is it really fair? i mean should all of my dreams and all of my chances to have fun and live life die just because i am married and we had a baby? shouldn’t my husband take his fair share of the responsibilities? i am just stuck here, with no help, no love, no escape? is this my life forever now?

i love taking care of my son, but i need some help sometimes too. i can not do as good of a job if i am totally worn out all of the time. they say it takes a village, and i don’t have anyone at all. i love my son, but i hate my life, if that makes any sense. if not for my son i would totally not be here… i wish i was dead that badly.

i feel like we are not even together most of the time. i feel like i am alone in everything and i have nobody to help me, to turn to, to confide in, to love me. it is like we live in the same house for financial reasons but there is no relationship. he makes me feel like we are an inconvenience, a burden, an annoyance…

i know he is supposedly trying and all, and yes he has done a few things like get me a card for our anniversary and help me clean in the kitchen a couple of times, he even went on a walk with us once. but where is the love, where is the time spent together, where is the help with the baby… i mean even if he doesn’t love me doesn’t he at least love the baby? how can he not want to spend time with the baby, love on him, play with him, have turns to feed him, change him, bathe him… bond with him? i cant understand this, no matter how i try.

i don’t know what to do or where i am even going with this. im just journaling, getting my thoughts and feelings out for a bit… i just feel like i am literally on the edge of a nervous breakdown. my heart hurts so badly that i feel like i am going to be sick. im tired of trying to not let the baby see me cry, to not let my husband see me cry, to pretend that things are good to the rest of the world. im just so tired, and im just so sad and hurt. i don’t see things ever changing and i don’t know what to do.

cleanse needed

4 May

well i am starting fresh again.  i am determined to lose 40lbs in 2 months.  can i do it?  i dont know.  i really dont know.  i hope so. 

i am starting on all liquids again today – this includes acai berry juice daily and acai berry/green tea pills daily too.  i need to go to the store and get the ingredients to do the Master Cleanse and start on that soon.  i also have to work out some every single day, without fail.  oh, and drink tons of water.  i think i could do like…

week 1- liquids only

week 2- master cleanse

week 3- liquids only

week 4- salads, fruits, veggies, soup, yogurt in a 5-7-9 schedule

week 5- master cleanse

week 6- liquids only

week 7- salads, fruits, veggies, soup, yogurt in a 5-7-9 schedule

week 8- master cleanse

so that is my plan. 

i found out that, as i had suspected for years, my favorite little sister has ed too.  she is trying to recover so i didnt encourage her or recruit her to be unhealthy with me.  i love her and want the best for her and i dont think treating your body the way i treat mine is the best thing for anyone.

umm… my new thinspo girls are rachel mcadams & tori spelling.

back on the wagon again

26 Apr

i got so depressed with so many things. but after my husband calling me a cow i am motivated again. back on the wagon i am. i have worked out for the last three days in a row!

crusty socks

2 Mar

finding crusty socks in the bottom of the laundry hamper and confused because your man doesn’t have a runny nose? what else could it be besides him blowing his nose on his socks, right? that is totally disgusting, but the truth is far worse.

face it, your man has been masturbating to porn.  he is cheating on you with other girls you can never compare to and he could never get.  that’s right you heard what i said correctly. your man has been looking at young anorexic teenage girls with breast implants getting gang banged and when they are getting cum shots on their face he is watching the money shot and shooting his load in his sock.

yep, he has been choking the chicken, rubbing the geenie lamp, stroking the poodle, shanking the inmate, slapping the salami, peeling the banana, flogging the log, husking the corn, waxing the weasel, making the camel spit, spelunking with bob, doing the five knuckle shuffle, jerkin’ the gherkin, chafing the carrot, saying hi to his monster, playing the old yanky cranky, punching the clown, slapping the sausage, having some hands on training and being dishonorably discharged…

there is no way to compete, and even when he is having sex with you now he is imagining that he is fucking the shit out of one of those underage bitches ass holes… just you will never be enough for him again, he will never get off to you honey. 

how do i know this? oh, i have learned it the hard way…