Tag Archives: money

bipolar ramblings

7 Oct

part of a letter to a friend:

 
I don’t know what has been wrong with me, really it is ridiculous.  I went to the government shrink on the 1st and after that I have just gone crazy.  I told you she asked about some of the bad things that had happened to me but then wouldn’t even let me tell her all of it because she said it was ‘too upsetting’ for her to hear.  Well, it really bothered me that nobody cares enough to listen, not even doctors who are supposed to listen, and it made me bring it all back up and start thinking about it all again and then I just went crazy. 
 
Every day since that I have been going out shopping all day long, spending money I don’t have to be spending and doing stupid stuff like stealing some $3 earrings that I could have just paid for.  Then when I come home I clean like a mad woman.  I have totally cleaned out our closet and re-organized it, planted all new plants in our front yard, vacuumed the floors and scrubbed the house from top to bottom every day and it is just crazy, I cant stop and I cant slow down.  Then one night I took a bunch of Xanax, another night I got totally drunk off my ass, and every night I keep on taking a few Benadryl and a xanax so it will knock me out and I can sleep for a little while.
 
I am sorry I haven’t written, I was just so embarrassed of how I have been acting and I don’t feel like myself.  All of the sudden I am so angry with my parents and I don’t want to talk with them and I am positive they hate me.  I haven’t answered any calls from my friends or family.  I’m just all freaked out.  And my bf is so involved in his own shit (stupid video games and ‘war hammer’ crap) that he doesn’t even notice. 
 

I am still fat.  I gained back the weight I lost and am still sitting at 150lbs.  I have been eating and eating and eating some more… lots of junk and candy too.  I am going to start taking Xenadrine tomorrow and maybe go to the health food store and see if I can find anything.  They don’t sell anything with ephedrine here so I cant get my hands on that, and I cant afford adderall right now so I will have to find something cheap that will work and work fast.  I found the crystal lite things you add to your water and am about to go make one right now.  I bought like 6 boxes of them!  I took laxatives yesterday and I am thinking I will take more tonight. 

so, yeah i have been messed up lately and not doing well.  the stupid bipolar stuff is just going crazy.  and i hate everyone, and i hate all the bad things that have happened to me, and i am so mad at my brother for doing what he did and continues to do to me and at my parents for always letting him and not protecting me.  everything started with that, and that started when i was too young to even remember it starting… its just always been.  my life has been downhill ever since then.

i havent been home in a year and it is because i cant breathe just thinking of going there and dealing with him and its not fair.  i want to go home and visit my sick grandma and my pets and have a nice time with my family.  i keep thinking of suicide and that stupid doctor telling me i need to check into a hospital.  and my bf is shopping for my wedding ring and i love him so much but he is oblivious to whats going on with me and i feel so alone, and i hate being alone.

fatty fatty me

18 Sep

Well, after my surgeries I have not been able to do anything but be on ‘bedrest’ and I have gained weight big time.  I was instructed that I have to eat a little bit of meat and be sure to eat enough to help me heal properly after my surgery for the cancer.  Now all I do is lay around all day and do my stupid comfort eating.  But I am formulating a plan of action and I will start on it Sunday.  I will start doing exercise tapes every day at home and cut my calories again to start with.  I am also thinking of doing an apple fast because my neighbor just brought me a huge bowl full of organic apples.

In two weeks I should be released to do activity again and then we will start walking the dogs too which will help and also let me get out of the house. (hopefully i can make myself, just going to get the mail is hard for me and its right out the front door)  I think I weigh about 150 now and I am grossed out to think about it.  I cant look in the mirror or look at myself.  I dont even want to get dressed or fix my hair and most days I dont.  i never do my make up anymore and i am just so gross!

My bf has started school again and I hate that all day long he is seeing sexy skinny little skanks and then he comes home to me and I am sure he is disgusted too.  He tried to compliment me the other day and told me dont worry about the girls at school because “you are pretty in your own way” – oh, let me tell you, it did not go over well.  I cant stop thinking about it and hating myself.  He hasnt drank in a few days and is working on that, thank goodness, but I just hope he can stop.  Living with an alcoholic sucks and makes life tougher than I make it on myself already. 

I dont have any friends and feel lonely and am going crazy stuck in the house all day every single long day.  I take xanax and sleep alot and I really shouldnt because it just makes me more depressed and fat but if I dont take it I have these panic attacks and I just dont know which is worse. 

I dont know what we are going to do about money but we need to figure something out fast since I dont have a job anymore and medical bills and other bills are just piling up.  I thought I could take this time off and start working on my own business but I just cant get motivated to get out of bed and do anything. 

Everything seems too overwhelming and I just want to sleep all day and wish I didnt have to deal with anything.  I have to do something… I just dont know where to start!

happy valentine’s day

14 Feb

 happy valentine’s day to anyone who takes the time to read this… so, yeah, happy valentines day miss q~

so, guess what i got for valentine’s day…  

a job!  

can you fucking believe that?  it is not the highest paying job to start out, but the benefits make up for that and there is a guaranteed raise in july and alot of opportunity for advancement!  i am actually happy with this job offer and think it is going to turn into something great.  in the meantime i will be making some money!  yay!  enough to pay the bills, have some spending money, and still save money… so this is good!  

this is proof… we can do whatever we set our minds to!  and i did it, i got a job… so i know i can lose the weight!  i was going to fast today, but it is valentine’s and so i ate a little bit… oh well… and on the scales this morning i was down a few lbs!  yay!

Stats For Today

interview 1

13 Feb

well, i went to the first interview and i think i did really well.  my hair and makeup were good, my shoes were HOT and i looked well put together inspite of being a fat ugly pig.  i felt pretty good about myself, i tried to smile alot, make eye contact, and be friendly and energetic and act interested.  i made practice questions and went over my answers before the interview and i think that helped.  i would have liked to have done better but i really think i may have gotten the job.  

the only problem is i thought the job was going to be great paying with benefits and stuff and it does have the benefits but the pay is the suck.  this was really disappointing as i want a job that will pay at the very least $25,000 a year and was hoping for something at about $35,000 a year range.  so if i get the offer i will try to talk them up just a little (though it will still be way less than i really want to be making) and if i choose to take it the it will be mostly because i will like the job itself and can be hoping that once i get in the door there might be better opportunities that come up within the company…

i still have an interview tomorrow for a job that will pay a little better, and then i also have an interview on friday but i dont know the pay of that job yet.  i guess i will just wait and see what happens and if any of them offer me anything…  i just dont know if i should settle and take a job that pays less than what i want or hold out for something more.  it will be hard to look for a job if i have a job… but i need money in a bad way… i am confused.

Today’s Stats
cup noodles – 250 calories 
diet coke
fresca
vitamins, fiber, cleanse, water

treadmill and ablounger

help?!?!?

12 Feb

 so i sent out like 12 resumes yesterday, some by email, others by fax, and a few by mail.  i have gotten call backs on three of them already.  i interview tomorrow for one job that sounds really good to me and i am really hoping will pay well and have great benefits and of course that i will get it.  i set up another interview but am thinking of cancelling that one because the pay is not good, there is no insurance, and i would have to work odd hours and on saturdays.  and since that doesnt sound good to me i think i should just cancel and not waste either of our time.  

so, i cancelled that interview and i got another one.  now i am interviewing every day for the rest of the week, which is good.  hopefully at least one of the interviews will result in a job offer.  hopefully it will be the one i want the most and it will pay well!  i started going through my closet and trying on all of the ‘work clothes’ i have and nothing fits.  it is so discouraging that i have lost 30 lbs and still i can not fit in to my old clothes.  they are all size 6 and i remember when i wore them last they hung on me and were too big, but now i cant even zip them up.  i have only one outfit that i can wear and it is not my favorite by far, but i have to wear it because i have nothing else.  i hope that doesnt make my self confidence even lower and ruin things for me.  grrr!!!  i just want to cry!

now i am going to go run on the treadmill and hope to lose some more.  i am determined to get another 10lbs off before i start a job so that hopefully i will be able to fit into my work clothes.  that means i am going to have to pretty much starve myself and work my ass off every day.  i have to do it though.  and i dont have much time to do it in!  according to the goal calculators that are online i can lose 4 pounds a week if i work out fairly hard every day and eat under 500 calories.  i can lose 5 lbs a week if i keep it at 300 or less calories and work out extremely hard daily.  i think the more realistic goal is going to be 4lbs a week.  If i could keep that up i would be at my goal weight by April…  that is if my metabolism didnt completely shut down… maybe the exercising would keep it going???  

does anyone know what i should do to lose at least 10lbs in the next week?  what should i do to get to my goal weight as soon as possible?  i am desperate!!!!  help?!?!?

Today’s Stats
CW:142lbs
1 spoon peanut butter – 60 cals
1 cup slimfast – 200 cals
green beans – 40cals
cleanse, fiber, vitamins, water
2 diet cokes

treadmill, ab lounger, totaling 1 hr.
total cals- 300cals

PLAN
S-0 -walk & abs
M-400 -run & abs
T-0-200 (liquids only) -walk & abs
W-500 – run & abs
T-0-200 (liquids only) -walk & abs
F-500 -run & abs
S-800 -walk & abs

vitamins, fiber, cleanse, green tea, & alot of water daily

the root of it all

31 Jan

 Possibly starting my period, maybe that has been the cause of the weight gain… Feeling a bit better today.  Have laughed and played and spent the day with my boyfriend.  It was a pretty good day.  I have to call a lady back tomorrow about a transcription job, which if I could get that it would be great and fix so many of the problems I have… which are not that many really… just money problems and being fat and bipolar mostly.  

I have been thinking alot about alot of things lately… alot of things from my past.  I have come to the conclusion that I wouldnt be so messed up if I hadnt had to deal with daily sexual abuse my whole life and nobody believing me or helping me.  This seems pretty obvious now, but I never really thought about it or put it together.  Now that I have, it just makes me more mad about the whole thing.  

I dont want to be bipolar.  I dont want to go through all I go through on a daily basis and I dont want to make my boyfriend deal with all he has to deal with from me being bipolar.  I dont want any of it and I dont know how to fix it.  It really pisses me off.  But, I dont know what to do to fix it… 

Today’s Stats
CW: 140lbs
2 bean & cheese burritos
1 diet coke
1 fresca
6 cups water

lies all lies

30 Jan

 sometimes i put on a thong to make myself feel pretty.  then i just end up feeling like a fat girl in a thong.  

i am thinking of filing for disability.  i have not been able to work at a real job for over a year.  i am diagnosed with crohns, ocd, bipolar, anxiety disorder, among other things… but all of these things could get me on disability i think.  

i dont know what to do.  i cant  get a job because i cant leave the damn house because i am too fat and ugly, and also because i dont trust my boyfriend alone after the issues we have had in the past.  it has been over a year now since i last found him doing bad things behind my back, but i still have issues trusting him and i dont know if i ever will be able to completely trust him.  i cant trust anyone, not even my family. 

nobody knows or understands … and i hate that it is a secret from everyone.  i havent seen my dr in over a year now because i dont have a job and cant afford it, and whenever i do see him i dont know how i am going to tell him how bad i have gotten, i will be so embarassed, but i cant lie to him like i do to everyone else.  i wish i had the money to see him, gawd i wish i did.  

my bipolar episodes of ups and downs are so terrible.  one day i think i am going to start a job and get my sht together and then the next day i cant get out of bed.  last night i was terrible, then my bf came home and we laid in bed laughing and talking for hours and i was great, i was estatic.  today, i stayed in bed nearly all day. the wellbutrin doesnt really seem to help.  

i gained weight.  i dont know how because i havent been eating shit.  it better be my period or i am seriously just going to start starving myself completely and cutting the freaking fat off my body.  and why do i want to lose weight anyway?  then i will just be a skinny ugly girl.  i know i am ugly because whenever i talk about wanting to be pretty people say, you are beautiful inside… that means i am hidious outside.

Today’s Stats
CW: 145 again? wtf
1 cup oj, metamucil, vitamins, cleanse