Tag Archives: paranoia

men… ugh!

21 May

So my husband didnt do anything for me on mother’s day, he didnt even say ‘happy mother’s day’ to me.  That really hurt me bad!  I mean I try to be a good wife and all and I don’t know but I think I am a pretty good wife…  but I know damn well that I am a great mommy.  My life revolves around our baby and I do a really good job.   It killed me that my hubby didn’t even acknowledge mothers day. 

I just get so upset that he is so selfish.  He never thinks of anyone but himself, not me, not our baby, nobody else.  He never thinks to get me birthday gifts, christmas gifts, not cards, not even a note or a kind word… even when he proposed to me he just did it while I was messing around and working out at home one day.  He even said he was just nervous and just wanted to get it over with.  It hurts, you know, I just want some special things in my life.  I want to be treated like I am special, like I matter, and I am loved…  I bend over backwards to do it for him… 

I told him about it and a few days after it he got me a card saying he loves me and that was nice, but it doesnt fix everything.  He says he is going to try harder to be a good dad and husband to me too, he even put a post it note up on his mirror that says “love your family, they need you dummy” for himself! 

He has tried a bit more than usual since then its true.  He has helped me do dishes some and he has gone on a walk with us on his day off.  I still want more, I want him to spend time with me and to help with, hold, play with, and love the baby… but I will take what I can get and hope it keeps getting better…

We used to be best friends, I guess we still are, but we just aren’t as close all of the time as we used to be. We still have fun every once in a while, but not all of the time like we used to. I really think it started falling apart when he went out of control with the drinking and pills and such. I keep holding out hope that if all of that gets under control he will come back to me and be the man he was when I fell in love with him. The drinking is finally under control and things are improving some, it might not sound like it but it was so much worse when he was drinking, so bad I would leave the house for fear he might really hurt me and yes, he did hurt me a few times… but of course he doesn’t even remember. But, that is when it started to get bad and maybe we can fix that and things will get better again. I watch one of my favorite movies, “Away We Go” and I just love it because it is just like us, the way things used to be. I want that back… need it back.

Oh yeah, also he has been checking my phone and stuff (who knows what else) because he wants to be sure I am not talking to someone else!  When I found out I couldn’t help laugh out loud, hysterically!  I have no idea why he would think that I would be cheating!  I have started texting my old BFF and we have been talking a lot more than we used to but still… I don’t know where he comes up with this stuff! 

I don’t have the self esteem to get out of the house (or the energy) and I know that no guy in his right mind would want ME.  Who wants some fat ugly cow with a baby and husband!?!?!  He also says he is worried that I am going to have great success with my photography business that I am working on getting started and that once I do I will realize I don’t need him and I will take the baby and leave him. 

I just start to worry now because usually when a guy is paranoid you are cheating on him it is because he is the one doing the badness.  I dont really think he is, I mean if he is not at home he is at work, so when does he have the time?  But, he has gotten away with lying to me before about so many other things… so I always have to wonder!