Tag Archives: self esteem

terrible day

11 Jun

it was just a terrible day. the worst in a long time.

my baby always sits in his bumbo chair on the kitchen cabinet while i make his bottles. i always stand right there with him and never leave him alone. he has never been able to get out of this chair whether we are using it on the floor or on the cabinet. today i was making his bottles and i turned and took my hand off of him for a split second and somehow he fell out. yes, my baby fell from his chair on the cabinet four feet down on to the tile floor.

luckily he is okay. i called the doctor immediately and then i took him to the doctor and they did a full neurological exam and everything and he is in perfect shape. the doctor said he had angels watching over him, and she was sure right! he has been doing just fine, laughing and playing, feeling great… on the other hand i am not doing well at all. i can not quit hearing the sound of him hitting the floor and turning to find him, seeing him laying there face down on the ground so small and screaming. oh it was so terrible. i have been crying and throwing up all day long because i am so upset.

he was sitting in a bumbo chair that we got from a friend. coming from a friend i never had the box and it did not have any warnings on it saying not to sit them in it on a table or anything off the ground. even the advertisements i have seen for this chair showed kids sitting in their bumbo chairs on tables. this is apparently a big problem though and there was a recall awhile back that i knew nothing about. our doctor said this is a common thing she sees and she knew the kind of chair before i even told her. she said not to beat myself up that it was not my fault and everything is okay. my husband on the other hand is angry and is acting like i did something wrong. i have taken care of the child for 8 months and nothing has ever happened to him, it is not like i am a bad mother.

i just want to warn everyone out there, DO NOT USE BUMBO CHAIRS anywhere but on the soft carpeted ground and with your direct supervision, if you use them at all.

Today’s Stats:
4 diet pepsis
1 activia – 70 cal
1 slimfast drink – 260 cal
pizza – 250 cal
1 laxative tea
TOTAL = 560 cal

self esteem – low, low, low!

my husband is embarrassed of me

27 May

so last night out of the blue my husband says that he thinks if our son ever asks how old we are we should lie to him so that he doesn’t find out about our age difference, which is 8 years, me being the older one. i said why would we lie to him, and what does it matter that we have an age difference? he said because i don’t want people to make fun of him.

my heart fell to the floor. not only has my husband shown me he doesn’t love us, now my husband is embarrassed of us, embarrassed of me. my husband is embarrassed of me. god, it just makes me want to die.

now i am wondering, what brought this on. has he always been embarrassed of me and just hid it well? have people at work been teasing him about me? have his friends been talking shit? has he just gotten tired of me and decided he is embarrassed of me because of the way i look now? i don’t know, and he wont say.

so okay, i do look very tired lately. i know this. i have not had more than 30 minutes of sleep at a time totaling up to any more than 3 hours a day for months now. but that is because i have no help with the baby. i do everything by myself, and he goes to work true, but other than that he usually does nothing. sometimes he will help with the dishes or take out the trash… this is very rare. usually he just sleeps and plays his games, totally ignores me and the baby and gets pissed off if we bother him or if he gets interrupted by something like, heaven forbid, me asking him to hold the baby for a minute while i use the restroom.

i have had movies that i rented and movies that i have bought sitting here for months and he will not take the time to sit down and watch a movie with me… not even on our anniversary. i have a list of things i need to do and i cant do any of them because i have nobody to watch the baby for me, and you know i can not carry the baby and go do them myself. i wonder what am i supposed to do when i try to start my photography business because i can not depend on him to watch the baby for me and i don’t want to put the baby in a daycare.

is it really fair? i mean should all of my dreams and all of my chances to have fun and live life die just because i am married and we had a baby? shouldn’t my husband take his fair share of the responsibilities? i am just stuck here, with no help, no love, no escape? is this my life forever now?

i love taking care of my son, but i need some help sometimes too. i can not do as good of a job if i am totally worn out all of the time. they say it takes a village, and i don’t have anyone at all. i love my son, but i hate my life, if that makes any sense. if not for my son i would totally not be here… i wish i was dead that badly.

i feel like we are not even together most of the time. i feel like i am alone in everything and i have nobody to help me, to turn to, to confide in, to love me. it is like we live in the same house for financial reasons but there is no relationship. he makes me feel like we are an inconvenience, a burden, an annoyance…

i know he is supposedly trying and all, and yes he has done a few things like get me a card for our anniversary and help me clean in the kitchen a couple of times, he even went on a walk with us once. but where is the love, where is the time spent together, where is the help with the baby… i mean even if he doesn’t love me doesn’t he at least love the baby? how can he not want to spend time with the baby, love on him, play with him, have turns to feed him, change him, bathe him… bond with him? i cant understand this, no matter how i try.

i don’t know what to do or where i am even going with this. im just journaling, getting my thoughts and feelings out for a bit… i just feel like i am literally on the edge of a nervous breakdown. my heart hurts so badly that i feel like i am going to be sick. im tired of trying to not let the baby see me cry, to not let my husband see me cry, to pretend that things are good to the rest of the world. im just so tired, and im just so sad and hurt. i don’t see things ever changing and i don’t know what to do.