Tag Archives: sexual abuse

bipolar ramblings

7 Oct

part of a letter to a friend:

I don’t know what has been wrong with me, really it is ridiculous.  I went to the government shrink on the 1st and after that I have just gone crazy.  I told you she asked about some of the bad things that had happened to me but then wouldn’t even let me tell her all of it because she said it was ‘too upsetting’ for her to hear.  Well, it really bothered me that nobody cares enough to listen, not even doctors who are supposed to listen, and it made me bring it all back up and start thinking about it all again and then I just went crazy. 
Every day since that I have been going out shopping all day long, spending money I don’t have to be spending and doing stupid stuff like stealing some $3 earrings that I could have just paid for.  Then when I come home I clean like a mad woman.  I have totally cleaned out our closet and re-organized it, planted all new plants in our front yard, vacuumed the floors and scrubbed the house from top to bottom every day and it is just crazy, I cant stop and I cant slow down.  Then one night I took a bunch of Xanax, another night I got totally drunk off my ass, and every night I keep on taking a few Benadryl and a xanax so it will knock me out and I can sleep for a little while.
I am sorry I haven’t written, I was just so embarrassed of how I have been acting and I don’t feel like myself.  All of the sudden I am so angry with my parents and I don’t want to talk with them and I am positive they hate me.  I haven’t answered any calls from my friends or family.  I’m just all freaked out.  And my bf is so involved in his own shit (stupid video games and ‘war hammer’ crap) that he doesn’t even notice. 

I am still fat.  I gained back the weight I lost and am still sitting at 150lbs.  I have been eating and eating and eating some more… lots of junk and candy too.  I am going to start taking Xenadrine tomorrow and maybe go to the health food store and see if I can find anything.  They don’t sell anything with ephedrine here so I cant get my hands on that, and I cant afford adderall right now so I will have to find something cheap that will work and work fast.  I found the crystal lite things you add to your water and am about to go make one right now.  I bought like 6 boxes of them!  I took laxatives yesterday and I am thinking I will take more tonight. 

so, yeah i have been messed up lately and not doing well.  the stupid bipolar stuff is just going crazy.  and i hate everyone, and i hate all the bad things that have happened to me, and i am so mad at my brother for doing what he did and continues to do to me and at my parents for always letting him and not protecting me.  everything started with that, and that started when i was too young to even remember it starting… its just always been.  my life has been downhill ever since then.

i havent been home in a year and it is because i cant breathe just thinking of going there and dealing with him and its not fair.  i want to go home and visit my sick grandma and my pets and have a nice time with my family.  i keep thinking of suicide and that stupid doctor telling me i need to check into a hospital.  and my bf is shopping for my wedding ring and i love him so much but he is oblivious to whats going on with me and i feel so alone, and i hate being alone.


last weekend

11 Feb

it was a pretty good weekend.  it would have been excellent, because i love it when my parents come to visit but the thing is they brought my brother.  i love my parents, but they never will take my side and stand up for me when it comes to issues with my brother.  i dont know if they feel sorry for him or what it is, but it is beyond ridiculous the stuff they let him get away with and always have.  and it breaks my heart that nobody ever stood up for me, believed me, rescued me from all that happened…  anyway…

how can i begin to explain my brother…  i think he is maybe sort of learning disabled, he acts like a child in an adults body, he still lives at home with my parents and has never wanted to move out, he is 25 or 26 now, i used to catch him molesting our animals when he was little, now at times i catch him being mean to the animals, he finally has a girlfriend (his first) who he is being controling to and that whole relationship is weird, even though he has a girlfriend now he continues to sexually harass me whenever he sees me, he has sexually abused me from the time he was about 5 years old I guess… as long as I can remember…

after this weekend when they left i gave my house a thorough cleaning to rid it of any traces of him.  i am very upset.  i overate big time because i have no other way of dealing with my feelings when he is around.  i have to act nice to him and put up with his inappropriate touching of me and god… it makes me sick.  it is not fair.  there is nothing i can do, nothing my boyfriend can do, if we say anything or do anything then my parents will get mad and take my brothers side just like they always have and stop talking to me and everything will blow up and i dont want that again… if i say something to my brother about he better stop it then i get in trouble for being a bitch. 

when i told on him when i was little they said i was a liar, when child protective services tried to take me away because i told the councilor at school my parents said i better say i was lying or i will get put in a foster home… so there has never been any way for me to stop it…

my life would have been so different if it werent for him.  i would have stayed at home and my parents would have paid for my college but instead i moved out before i even graduated high school and worked a thousand different jobs and put myself through college as good as i could because i could not stand to live there and be abused any longer.  i would not have eating disorders, i think would not be bipolar, would not have trust issues, issues with men and sex, i would not have stayed in abusive relationships for all of those years, i would have some self confidence, i think i would be set in my career and rich by now… but NO… i am struggling with everything, struggling every day and it all comes down to the thing that started it, the thing that threw my life off course, the abuse that i endured for as long as i can remember… my fucking brother.  

now that is off my chest i am going to go think a bit, try to relax, figure out what to do now.  i think i need counciling.  but of course i cant pay for shit, because i dont have a job.  sometimes i just wish i were dead.  there is no escape from my brother and as long as he is alive i will suffer from being sexually abused every time i see him, every holiday, every time i want to see my family… it will never end.  

why didnt anyone love ME enough to put a stop to that when i was little and told?  why doesnt anyone love me enough to put a stop to it now???

Today’s Stats
CW: 145 (yes, i am up after this weekend)
slimfast – 200 cals
2 bean and cheese burritos – 600 calories
1 diet coke
cleanse, fiber w water, vitamins,meds

treadmill, ab lounger.

total : 800 calories (100 over goal calories)

the root of it all

31 Jan

 Possibly starting my period, maybe that has been the cause of the weight gain… Feeling a bit better today.  Have laughed and played and spent the day with my boyfriend.  It was a pretty good day.  I have to call a lady back tomorrow about a transcription job, which if I could get that it would be great and fix so many of the problems I have… which are not that many really… just money problems and being fat and bipolar mostly.  

I have been thinking alot about alot of things lately… alot of things from my past.  I have come to the conclusion that I wouldnt be so messed up if I hadnt had to deal with daily sexual abuse my whole life and nobody believing me or helping me.  This seems pretty obvious now, but I never really thought about it or put it together.  Now that I have, it just makes me more mad about the whole thing.  

I dont want to be bipolar.  I dont want to go through all I go through on a daily basis and I dont want to make my boyfriend deal with all he has to deal with from me being bipolar.  I dont want any of it and I dont know how to fix it.  It really pisses me off.  But, I dont know what to do to fix it… 

Today’s Stats
CW: 140lbs
2 bean & cheese burritos
1 diet coke
1 fresca
6 cups water