Tag Archives: xanax

bipolar ramblings

7 Oct

part of a letter to a friend:

 
I don’t know what has been wrong with me, really it is ridiculous.  I went to the government shrink on the 1st and after that I have just gone crazy.  I told you she asked about some of the bad things that had happened to me but then wouldn’t even let me tell her all of it because she said it was ‘too upsetting’ for her to hear.  Well, it really bothered me that nobody cares enough to listen, not even doctors who are supposed to listen, and it made me bring it all back up and start thinking about it all again and then I just went crazy. 
 
Every day since that I have been going out shopping all day long, spending money I don’t have to be spending and doing stupid stuff like stealing some $3 earrings that I could have just paid for.  Then when I come home I clean like a mad woman.  I have totally cleaned out our closet and re-organized it, planted all new plants in our front yard, vacuumed the floors and scrubbed the house from top to bottom every day and it is just crazy, I cant stop and I cant slow down.  Then one night I took a bunch of Xanax, another night I got totally drunk off my ass, and every night I keep on taking a few Benadryl and a xanax so it will knock me out and I can sleep for a little while.
 
I am sorry I haven’t written, I was just so embarrassed of how I have been acting and I don’t feel like myself.  All of the sudden I am so angry with my parents and I don’t want to talk with them and I am positive they hate me.  I haven’t answered any calls from my friends or family.  I’m just all freaked out.  And my bf is so involved in his own shit (stupid video games and ‘war hammer’ crap) that he doesn’t even notice. 
 

I am still fat.  I gained back the weight I lost and am still sitting at 150lbs.  I have been eating and eating and eating some more… lots of junk and candy too.  I am going to start taking Xenadrine tomorrow and maybe go to the health food store and see if I can find anything.  They don’t sell anything with ephedrine here so I cant get my hands on that, and I cant afford adderall right now so I will have to find something cheap that will work and work fast.  I found the crystal lite things you add to your water and am about to go make one right now.  I bought like 6 boxes of them!  I took laxatives yesterday and I am thinking I will take more tonight. 

so, yeah i have been messed up lately and not doing well.  the stupid bipolar stuff is just going crazy.  and i hate everyone, and i hate all the bad things that have happened to me, and i am so mad at my brother for doing what he did and continues to do to me and at my parents for always letting him and not protecting me.  everything started with that, and that started when i was too young to even remember it starting… its just always been.  my life has been downhill ever since then.

i havent been home in a year and it is because i cant breathe just thinking of going there and dealing with him and its not fair.  i want to go home and visit my sick grandma and my pets and have a nice time with my family.  i keep thinking of suicide and that stupid doctor telling me i need to check into a hospital.  and my bf is shopping for my wedding ring and i love him so much but he is oblivious to whats going on with me and i feel so alone, and i hate being alone.

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fatty fatty me

18 Sep

Well, after my surgeries I have not been able to do anything but be on ‘bedrest’ and I have gained weight big time.  I was instructed that I have to eat a little bit of meat and be sure to eat enough to help me heal properly after my surgery for the cancer.  Now all I do is lay around all day and do my stupid comfort eating.  But I am formulating a plan of action and I will start on it Sunday.  I will start doing exercise tapes every day at home and cut my calories again to start with.  I am also thinking of doing an apple fast because my neighbor just brought me a huge bowl full of organic apples.

In two weeks I should be released to do activity again and then we will start walking the dogs too which will help and also let me get out of the house. (hopefully i can make myself, just going to get the mail is hard for me and its right out the front door)  I think I weigh about 150 now and I am grossed out to think about it.  I cant look in the mirror or look at myself.  I dont even want to get dressed or fix my hair and most days I dont.  i never do my make up anymore and i am just so gross!

My bf has started school again and I hate that all day long he is seeing sexy skinny little skanks and then he comes home to me and I am sure he is disgusted too.  He tried to compliment me the other day and told me dont worry about the girls at school because “you are pretty in your own way” – oh, let me tell you, it did not go over well.  I cant stop thinking about it and hating myself.  He hasnt drank in a few days and is working on that, thank goodness, but I just hope he can stop.  Living with an alcoholic sucks and makes life tougher than I make it on myself already. 

I dont have any friends and feel lonely and am going crazy stuck in the house all day every single long day.  I take xanax and sleep alot and I really shouldnt because it just makes me more depressed and fat but if I dont take it I have these panic attacks and I just dont know which is worse. 

I dont know what we are going to do about money but we need to figure something out fast since I dont have a job anymore and medical bills and other bills are just piling up.  I thought I could take this time off and start working on my own business but I just cant get motivated to get out of bed and do anything. 

Everything seems too overwhelming and I just want to sleep all day and wish I didnt have to deal with anything.  I have to do something… I just dont know where to start!

lights aren’t on

11 Oct

last night i took xanax because i havent slept well in at least a week and today i could not wake up at all.  i ate too much today and didnt exercise.  i didnt even get out of bed until about 3pm.  i will have to make up for it tomorrow, eating minimal calories and working out extra hard.  the lights are not on here today… 

Today’s Stats
4 glasses of water
2 diet cokes
1 lipton citrus green tea = 80 calories
1 grilled cheese = 210 calories
2 little burritos = 400 calories (guestimate)

TOTAL CALORIES = 690